BACKGROUND
Here it is, the movie Denmark didn’t want the world to see. Fought over two years to shoot this thing, getting greenlighted then redlighted as the studios played musical chairs with their producers, all of whom were nicely salaried while I was not. When not bouncing around the studios I was busy trying to keep my actors from despair. The film was to star Al Agami, Jan Tjerrild and Helle Halsboe in the leads amongst a truly killer cast. Nobody questioned that I would direct -the cast refused to shoot it with any Danish directors- and that might be because I wrote it as a complete shooting script, although I really did so because so many of the gags depended on the shots. Just ignore all the ‘cut to’ and camera abbreviations if you prefer a smoother read. This is the purely English version but I co-translated the screenplay with Sune Urth so that the language ping-pongs between Danish and English, with alternating subtitles, in order that it could play internationally. This also makes it seem faster-paced and more chaotic. For non-Danish readers I should explain that the hot dog carts are ubiquitous in Copenhagen –most of them hand-pulled- all with side flaps which prop up for sales. A fewer number of them are toted behind small three-wheel motorcycles which can still go no faster than a brisk walking speed.
It looks and acts like a comedy, but it’s a surrealist film.
COPENHAGEN BLUES
c 2006 Tristan Winter
BLACK.
Simultaneously cue music (Professor Longhair: “Big Chief”) and superimpose production company credits.
FAST FADE IN TO:
Sunrise over the skyline of Copenhagen in time-lapse shot. Sun ascends golden-rose over the city spires, pauses, then descends a bit as though changing its mind, then continues upwards to its full glory.
Continue music and superimposition of full opening title sequence over the following montage sequence. NB: each shot in the following sequence is composed of both specific camera and action directional movement, each shot leading to the next until the full effect is that of a series of arabesques, synchronized with the music.
Businessmen and others purchasing coffee from a kiosk.
Beer trucks making deliveries.
Horn players statue (Lurblæserne).
S-train arriving in station. People exiting and entering train.
Florists setting out their flowers for sale.
Musicians packing up their instruments.
A hot dog wagon sputtering along the street.
A horde of fresh people stopping their bikes for a red light.
A flock of schoolchildren running gleefully across a city square.
A flock of pigeons taking flight.
A small group of drunks trying to fight and crashing into a mass of parked bicycles.
A television remote van driving along a street.
Morten, asleep and snoring.
Horde of people resuming their bicycling as traffic light turns green.
Foreign venders setting fruits out for sale.
Bottles crashing to the ground.
A group of beautiful club-hoppers exiting a club and blinking at the sudden light.
Women with baby carriages pouring through the squares.
(Sound Off, through music and remaining montage: a very annoying alarm.)
Boats beginning to jostle.
Various ethnic characters beginning their day as they bustle through the streets.
Beautiful women bicycling.
Bursting décolletés.
Morten opens his eyes. Pull out as he flops around on his sofa and flails an arm through a small mountain of beer bottles at his side, presumably looking for the source of the annoying noise, which we now realize is an alarm clock.
More vehicular traffic taking off, the main focus of which is the TV van.
Morten leaps up from the sofa in his underwear, frantically looking for the alarm.
A female shopkeeper washing her shop windows.
Morten begins tearing his livingroom apart looking for the alarm, desperate and whimpering.
A drunk vomiting painfully as he clutches the side of a hot dog wagon. The owner, inside, does not notice.
Morten destroying the living room, ripping out drawers and hurling over furniture as he weeps and begs the unseen alarm to “shut the fuck up!”
Drunks trying to punch each other.
Alarm clock, still ringing, tumbles out of a cabinet Morten has knocked down. He grabs the clock and hurls it against the wall, then stands heaving in the silence.
(End of opening credits and montage sequence.)
CUT TO:
INT. MORTEN’S HOUSE. MORNING.
CU of Morten shaving. He is a normal Danish man, mid-thirties, with a basically stupid face but very readable and sometimes cunning eyes. He seems mildly happy now as he quietly sings a kitschy Danish song to himself. Pull out slightly as he checks his face so that we see he is wearing a bicycle lamp on a headband.
CUT TO:
INT. TV VAN. MORNING.
CU of TV Producer (a woman) is cautiously sipping a take-out coffee in the front seat as Sound Man climbs into the back with last of his equipment. We follow him OS as he settles in next to the Camera Man, who is adjusting a monitor.
CAMERA MAN
This should do it. Up all night waiting to break in; I’m getting too old for this.
SOUND MAN
We stink!
PRODUCER
We’re fine.
CUT TO:
INT. MORTEN’S HOUSE. MORNING.
CU of Morten , still humming, with a roll in his mouth, seen from closet as he opens the door and reaches in.
MS of Morten as he pulls out a pair of blue overalls on a hanger. Through the open closet door we see many more identical blue overalls.
MCU of Morten as he finishes zipping up his overalls. As he does so we see his name embroidered in yellow on the left breast. He seems quite happy now.
(NB: Morten wears ONLY these blue overalls throughout the film until otherwise noted.)
MCU of Morten as he cautiously opens a door and peeks in. He smiles uncertainly and walks towards us. We catch him OS as he tip-toes towards the bed in his bedroom. On top of a pile of covers a little dog wakes and raises its head to growl.
CU of dog growling at Morten, whom we see approaching closely.
MCU of Morten leaning over the head of the bed and pursing his lips, ready to kiss whoever is beneath the covers. Now the covers are ripped back and his wife, Mette, bolts up just in time to scream:
METTE
Why me, God?!?
And throw herself back down, pulling the covers over her head again.
Morten looks a little dismayed, then very politely recedes from the camera as he exits the room and quietly closes the door behind him.
CUT TO:
BLACK. Then:
MCU from Morten’s car trunk as he opens the lid. Morten , a shovel in his hand, opens the trunk of his car, sets it gently in the trunk and closes the lid.
CUT TO:
BLACK. Then:
CUT TO:
EXT. MORTEN’S HOUSE. MORNING.
Morten walks from the trunk to the driver’s-side door of his car and wrenches it open. We see that it is a ridiculously horrible little car at the end of its life. With some struggle Morten climbs in and yanks the door shut.
CUT TO:
INT. MORTEN’S CAR. MORNING.
CU of Morten strapping himself in and starting what sounds like a sick car. He then smiles and reaches for the overhead mirror.
CUT TO:
OS as Morten takes a postcard from where it is habitually wedged behind the mirror and pulls it towards him for a fond look. It is a quaint photo of a small boat with the legend: “Sail Around The World.”
CUT TO:
CU of Morten’s rapt face as he looks at the photo. He then sighs and smiles hopelessly, then reaches forward to put the treasured postcard back behind the mirror. He shifts the car into gear, steps on the gas and a loud backfire is heard.
CUT TO:
EXT. MORTEN’S HOUSE. MORNING.
MS of Morten’s car driving away. Camera booms up to follow it as it lurches through his neighborhood, giving us a view of his lower-middle class area, but not his own house. Hold as he putters off towards the golden city.
CUT TO:
INT. TV VAN. MORNING.
CU of Producer, coffee in hand, ducking her head somewhat as she peers out the windshield.
PRODUCER
Nice day for birds. Going to be an even better day for us vultures. I hope you slobs are appreciative of what I’m doing for you.
CUT TO:
CU of Cameraman adjusting a video monitor.
CAMERA MAN
Uh huh. Last time I did this sort of thing with you I got shot. Three times.
SOUND MAN
(Entering shot.) You were inexperienced. Now you have the proven mind of an eight-year-old child.
Pull out to MCU from back of van. Producer turns her head and leans over the seat to enter a 3shot.
PRODUCER
You want me to cover you while you fuck around with those dials?
We hear Morten’s car approaching. From within and over the car noise we can make out kitschy Danish music being played loudly.
PRODUCER
(As Morten’s car drives dangerously close and passes.)Heads up.
CUT TO:
EXT. WAREHOUSE PARKING LOT. MORNING.
Morten’s car shudders to a stop. The driver’s door opens and Morten squeezes out.
CUT TO:
INT. TV VAN. MORNING.
M3S, from front, Producer in foreground.
PRODUCER
That’s one of them now. Just a few minutes more, baby boys.
CUT TO:
SOUND MAN
I’m on. Fuck! That noise!
CUT TO:
EXT. WAREHOUSE LOT. MORNING.
MCU/OS As Morten takes his shovel from the open car trunk, slams it shut and jauntily walks towards the warehouse. Camera pulls back and up as he enters a door and it closes behind him. Camera keeps pulling out and now starts to boom up so that we see the logo: KFC emblazoned large on the warehouse. Continue out and boom until we see in one full shot Morten’s car, the warehouse, the lot and, finally, the TV van.
CUT TO:
EXT. POOR BUT BUSY STREET. MORNING.
CU of rat’s face. Automobile, pedestrian and bicycle traffic cut across it as camera pulls out and slightly up, during which we hear the voice of Shakes, until we establish a MS of Shakes holding the rat.
SHAKES
Get em here, get em hot! Take a look, take the lot. Now, ain’t that sweet. Baby come here a minute, I wannna show you what I got. Got weasels! Weasels, genuine ermine weasels.
Shakes, a skinny black man from New Orleans, is standing on a Copenhagen street, talking loudly while whirling around in all directions, distracted by all the people passing by around him, particularly the women. He frequently sips from a pint bottle of booze.
SHAKES
Buy it, use it, eat it! Plenty more where this came from!
CUT TO:
CU of rat in Shakes’ arms. We see it is clearly not a weasel but rather just a rat in a long sock.
SHAKES
(Off) Queen for a day, that’s what they say! Fine ermine weasels! Weasels for sale today!
Pull out to reestablish MS.
SHAKES
Bite it, bruise it, beat it! Genuine…(Spinning to look at a woman cycling past)Yes1 Holy God Almighty! Yes, Baby! That’s what I’m talking about! (As he steps into the bike lane to yell after the woman he is almost massacred by a flash of further female cyclists, of whom one in particular rekindles his heart.) Hooowee! Am I hot today! Like that! Love it, Honey! Hey! You save those wheels, Baby! –Just remember to rotate! You know I mean what…(continuing his spin, he come face to face with an ugly old woman and starts in shock) WHOA!
CUT TO:
MS of Ugly Old Lady, seen from above, over Shakes’ shoulder. She is actually rather shy and sweet, despite her face.
UGLY OLD LADY
(Timidly but perhaps truly interested) How much?
CUT TO:
Reverse MCU of Shakes, from below.
SHAKES
‘Fuck you say?!
CUT TO:
Reverse MCU of Ugly old lady, from above.
UGLY OLD LADY
(Shyly pointing to rat) How much?
CUT TO:
Reverse MCU of Shakes, from below.
SHAKES
(Thrown off) What?! Ah, lady, you don’t deserve this. Hell, I don’t deserve this! (As Shakes speaks, recovering his elan, the camera pulls out and aside to set a 2S of them.) You got any money, lady? Cause I got some serious business I’m construing just now. Uh huh. These lil’ suckers might be cheap but no fucking way are they anything less than pure legal regal. One hundred pro-cent ermine weasel. Importuned all the way from the mighty city of New Orleans, mouth-hole of the Mississippi and of yours truly himself. Now you too can be the queen of Denmark. No shit. (During this speech the shot has widened to include other bystanders, the closest of whom is a young boy.) Did I say that? Who said that? Yes, maam, this here weasel is going to bring you fame, fortune, and resuscitate your putrid flesh. This one lil genuine…
BOY
Hey, Mr. Shakes. Them’s not weasels. Them’s rats.
SHAKES
(Aside, to Boy.) Shut up, kid. (Back to Ugly Old Lady.) Cute, hairy luxury hanging round your flaccid neck and all the neighbor bitches frying with envy. Seven hundred kroner. Did I say that? Who said that? Only one thousand kroner and this…
BOY
Them’s just rats you found, Mr. Shakes. Hell, I can catch more rats than you anyday.
CUT TO:
M2S of Shakes and Boy.
SHAKES
(Furiously rounding on the Boy.) What are you, some walking devil sperm? Can’t you understand me? Fuck off, Junior, you smell funny! (To Ugly Old Lady) One thousand kroner and this here weasel…
BOY
(Reaching up and grabbing the sock extension.) Lemme hold him, Mr…
SHAKES
Whoah!
As the Boy rips off the sock extension the now unveiled rat frees itself from Shakes’ grasp and leaps forward onto Ugly Old Lady.
CUT TO:
CU of Ugly Old Lady as rat scuttles down her cleavage.
Ugly Old Lady
EEEEEEEEEE!
Pull out fast to M2S of Shakes and Ugly Old Lady (who screams throughout end of her appearance) as she squirms and Shakes tries to grab the rapidly moving animal through her clothes. As the rat descends and vanishes somewhere between her legs, she spins as Shakes makes a grab up the front of her skirt. On spin she drops face-forward away from the camera and down out of the shot.
CUT TO:
M2S ground-level side of Ugly Old Lady hitting the ground just as Shakes dives up the back of her skirt. They both squirm and scream for a moment, until we see the rat escape from the back of her collar and run out of the shot. Shakes yanks his head from under her skirt and scrambles running off after the rat, stomping over her as he also exits the shot.
Cue music (James Brown: “Please, Please, Please”) and
CUT TO:
MS of Shakes running through swivel shot towards derelict lot.
SHAKES
Come back here, you little pink-assed son of a bitch!
CUT TO:
CU of rat running through field. Shakes’ threats are heard off.
CUT TO:
LS of Shakes running through field, tripping, scrambling up and running off.
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes. He whips up into the shot a big stun gun and fires it up, dropping it and yelling in pain. Picks it up and runs off again. Camera holds and tracks him as he recedes, yelling, into the distance, towards a large warehouse-like building.
CUT TO:
INT. TV VAN. MORNING.
Crowded 3S of TV crew from back of van.
PRODUCER
Hey! Who’s that? What the hell is going on…
CAMERA MAN
What? I got nothing. (He starts to get up and head to the windshield.)
PRODUCER
Stay inside! Stay on the inside!
CUT TO:
Birds eye LS of Shakes running, yelling and falling across the field. The shot also includes the TV Van parked some ways away, and the warehouse with the KFC logo clearly readable, as Shakes heads directly for it.
CUT TO:
ECU, angled, as rat runs into a hole in the warehouse wall.
CUT TO:
CU of Shakes diving into the shot and ramming the stun gun through the hole.
SHAKES
Got you, asswipe!
CUT TO:
INT. WAREHOUSE. MORNING.
MS of Morten in a sea of live chickens. The chickens are shrieking and panicking. Morten is screaming “Get him!”, desperately stomping around in the chickens (presumably after the unseen rat) and leaping around and squealing with extreme pain each time we hear the sound of the stun gun (of which some sparks can be noticed coming from the are around the hole at floor level).
PULL OUT TO:
INT. KFC EXECUTIVE OFFICE. MORNING.
The scene of Morten apparently massacring chickens continues to play on a video monitor set on the desk of the KSC Boss. We realize that it was this video we have in fact just witnessed. Camera continues to pull out until it includes the entire office. The KFC Boss is seated at his desk. The Producer is seated atop his desk, her Sound and Camera men behind and beside her. Seated before the desk are Shakes and Morten. Shakes looks amazed. Morten, his overalls splattered with blood and feathers, is paralyzed with a grin of horror on his face. Both of them have uniformed security guards standing behind them. Shakes is closest to the camera.
SHAKES
Hoooowee! Look at that! KFC, huh. You mean like Kickin’ Fuckin’ Chicken’!
KFC Boss lunges at Shakes.
CUT TO:
MCU of Producer casually laying herself across the desk, thereby blocking KFC Boss from reaching Shakes.
PRODUCER:
Down, boy. No use adding to the record of brutality. “Race Murder in Feathered Nest” won’t help. Cruelty to animals is very, very big stuff, and we’ll want to know what you intend to do about it now that we’ve caught your production-line maniac on camera.
KFC BOSS
My maniac! My Maniac is going to be counting french fries on the street when I get through with him!
CUT TO:
CU of Morton, the same grin of horror frozen on his face.
PRODUCER
(Off) I hate to think how he treats those poor birds in the privacy of his own bedroom!
Pan around and pull out to include Morton, Producer (Sound and Cameraman behind her) and KFC Boss.
PRODUCER
(To KFC Boss) And who taught him these American methods? Certain standards are intractable here in Denmark and you must realize the price one pays for violating our…
Camera has continued the pan to include Shakes in the foreground.
SHAKES
Price is nice’ when I get mine. (To KFC Boss.) You selling five million crispy sphincters a day and I’m still waiting to hear about remuneration of my investment! Think I got nothing better to do than sit here watch this chump looking like he just swallowed a vibrator? Shit. You know how to write? I take a check right now, Chicken Head.
CUT TO:
EXT. KFC WAREHOUSE. MORNING.
MCU of Shakes being thrown out of doorway by the two security guards. The door slams shut behind him. Camera pulls out for MS as Shakes pulls himself up and turns to yell at the door.
SHAKES
Think so, do you? Nobody gonna shake off Shakes that easy, motherraper! You a dead man now. You all dead men, waiting for some necrophiliacs! You’ll see!
CUT TO:
INT. KFC OFFICE. MORNING.
MS of Morten (unchanged face) as KFC Boss approaches him.
KFC BOSS
Now, as for Morten, here –or should I say no longer here—we can rely on a discreet and complete dismissal from all our thoughts.
MORTEN
But I can’t just…You can’t just… (He coughs a chicken feather out of his throat, turns red and folds over, struggling with others still unseen.)
Camera pans as KFC Boss turns away from Morten. Shot now includes Producer in KFC Boss’s chair, her feet on his desk.
PRODUCER
And as for the decent, civilized world…
SHAKES
(Off)…Track you to the ends of the earth! Hunt you down like a goddamn gonorrhea germ and make you pay for this bad kind of fucking!
An inner door opens and admits a worried junior executive type carrying a briefcase.
KFC BOSS
Ah! Thank you, Olson. (He takes the briefcase and nods to the security guards, who exit with the young executive. To Producer.) Yes, “decency…” (A splatter of mud hits the office window behind the desk. KFC Boss basically ignores it.) We do have our standards. (Snapping open briefcase and twirling it to face open so that only the TV team can see within.) And I do seriously believe that…
CUT TO:
MCU, ¾ side of TV Team, Producer and open briefcase nearest.
PRODUCER
(Estimating the amount of money in the briefcase and nodding in approval.) Yes. I’d say this was decent enough.
CUT TO:
CU of same scene of Morten seemingly stomping chickens to death, including same soundtrack. After a few moments we:
CUT TO:
INT. BAR. EVE.
In a noisy, working-class bar we hit a MS of Morten, the same grin of horror on his face, as he sits hunched over a beer, watching the above chicken-stomping scene currently playing on the overhead television.
CUT TO:
MS from through the bar. The bar is entirely full of rough customers, most of whom laugh uproariously at the footage. Morten, squeezed into the corner of the short end of the L-shaped bar, tries to hide his face behind his hand.
CUT TO:
MCU of Morten. He peeks around and takes a drink. He is still wearing the splattered overalls.
VERY OLD LADY
(Squeezing into the seat next to Morten.) Is this seat free?
MORTEN
(From behind his hand.) Yes.
VERY OLD LADY
What?
MORTEN
Yes. Free. Completely free. (Pause.) Free.
VERY OLD LADY
Well, you’re very polite. (As the bartender sets before her a full bottle of snaps and a glass.) Good manners. I like that.
MORTEN
Thank you.
VERY OLD LADY
See? Sharp dresser, too. Skoal.
Morten grunts and raises his glass to hers.
VERY OLD LADY
My husband was a good dresser. I gave his clothes to the Red Cross. He’s probably running around naked in hell now. Skoal.
Very Old Lady continues to toss off the shots at an amazing rate throughout the rest of the scene. She accentuates her growing confidences by frequently clutching Morten’s arm and speaking quite close to his face.
VERY OLD LADY
I’m all alone now. Don’t see my children very much, but that’s okay. Tell the truth I never cared for them that much. Are you married? That’s good. Too bad, though. Today’s the day I normally get my hair done. It’s the only time I go out anymore. After my husband died I realized how empty life was. You’re a good-looking young man. (Taking up his drink and sniffing it.) What is that, just beer? Get you a belly, just like my husband. Oops! (This last as her dentures fall into Morten’s beer. She chuckles as she fishes them out and reinserts them into her mouth.) I guess you know I’m an old lady now! I haven’t always been this old. I was red-hot in my time. Had any man I wanted, anytime I wanted, any way I wanted. Now I’m alone. Believe me, life’s not fair most of the time, the things that happen to people! I’ve been on my own for twenty years now and some of it’s been shit. Pure shit. Like you. Oops, I mean I like you. You’re not like the others. I had a young man once, not long ago, maybe last year. (She is now growing overly sentimental, tears starting to cascade down her face and through her already ravaged make-up.) He left me. Ruined me and left me. I didn’t know. I thought he was a nice young man. I’ll never be such a fool again. (Now she is draped completely over Morten, bawling loudly.)
CUT TO:
MS down long end of the “L” bar. Many of the customers are watching the two of them, some very amused.
CUT TO
Reverse CU2S of a despairing Morten with the Very Old Lady sobbing right into his face.
VERY OLD LADY
A nice, good-looking young man like you. How could I have known? I didn’t even know where he was from. Goddamn Albania or Lithuania, or I don’t know. I’m just a nice person. A nice, wonderful young man just exactly like you. And you know what he did? (Shaking Morten in a close death-grip and yelling as loudly as possible through her sobs.) You know what he did? He PEED in my MOUTH and STOLE ALL MY MONEY!
The bar falls silent. The Very Old Lady weeps on Morten’s neck as he tries to smile at the customers.
CUT TO:
MS of customers along long “L” of bar. From shock, their faces begin to express anger. Furious murmuring amongst them, probably portending Morten’s death. A few of them start to move in Morten’s direction.
CUT TO:
MCU of the front door slamming open, revealing a steaming Shakes.
SHAKES
HEY! Found you now, you chicken jumpin’ chump!
CUT TO:
MCU of Morten in Very Old Lady’s clutches. He registers shock.
CUT TO:
MS along the length of the bar as Shakes pushes his way towards Morten. Camera tracks him fast from the front.
SHAKES
Hah! I been trackin’ your ass all day. You and me gonna have us a pow-wow right here and now, and I figure pretty good it gonna end with my ultimate satisfaction.
CUT TO:
CU from behind the bar as Shakes appears on the other side of Very Old Lady and continues talking to Morten across her.
SHAKES
That’s right. Time we’re through, you gonna resemble a hair-do on the head of James fucking Brown, man. I’ll leave you fried, dyed and laid aside!
VERY OLD LADY
(Flirtatious, to Shakes.) You’re a nice young man. Are you Albanian too?
SHAKES
(Grabbing Morten and pulling him out past the confused customers and to the front door. Camera pans from same position behind the bar.) Come on, man, we got beef. Let’s get outta this jackass hillbilly roadhouse…
CUT TO:
EXT. BAR FRONT. NIGHT.
MCU of Shakes and Morten exiting as the door slams shut behind them.
MORTEN
Thank you!
SHAKES
Thank me? Thank me how? That’s what I want to know!
MORTEN
Jesus! Thank you!
SHAKES
That’s okay, but I done lost a full days’ business and here you are pickin up on all the hoes. Now, put this straight: what you got for me?
MORTEN
(Confused, of course.) What have I got? Got? I have nothing now…
SHAKES
Don’t gimme that! -You got a car? Lemme see the car.
MORTEN
Okay.
Morten points to where his car is parked. The two of them walk off away from the camera.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET. NIGHT.
M2S of Shakes and Morten walking across a broad street, weaving through the angry traffic.
SHAKES
…Supposed to stop when pedestrians be walking cross the goddamn road, and –hey—here’s my soup wagon!
The camera has tracked them to a polser stand, where they halt. We maintain the 2S of them with only the opening of the polser stand showing.
SHAKES
Grab us some doggies, man. Help me out here.
CUT TO:
M2S of Shakes and Morten from vender’s POV.
SHAKES
(To unidentifiable polser vender) Two polser.
MORTEN
Two polser.
SHAKES
Me too.
MORTEN
(Slapping his pockets) Fuck! Where’s my wallet? (The truth dawns on him and he casts a rueful glance back towards the bar.)
Shakes rolls his eyes and steps forward to signify to Hot Dog Vender to fill the order on credit.
CUT TO:
MS from front outside corner of the polser wagon. Hot Dog Vender slams down the hotdogs, glaring silently at Shakes. This vender is no other than Mofo, whom we will meet again later (or, as Carlyle wrote: ‘Him mark.’.) Shakes gives Mofo a courtly bow before walking off with Morten.
MORTEN
It had everything. My wallet…
CUT TO:
Tracking MS from front as Shakes and Morten walk with their hotdogs. As they walk they are battered by other pedestrians who bounce into and off of them without a thought.
MORTEN
I’d like to help you. I just don’t see what I could…(A passing pedestrian knocks Morten’s hotdog halfway down his throat.)
SHAKES
Yeah, yeah. Why can’t these people learn to walk?
Morten and Shakes stop at Morten’s car. Morten digs for his keys and wrenches open the door.
SHAKES
These your wheels? Shit, I can’t use that. Where you going, anyway?
MORTEN
Amager. Why, do you need a ride?
SHAKES
(Already climbing in.) You want me to call you a taxi or something? Fuck you waiting for? I got no more time to waste gumming with you.
CUT TO:
INT. MORTEN’S CAR. NIGHT.
Cue music: Danish Pop. The following scene as they drive through the vivacious lights of the city.
CU, OS2S from back seat.
SHAKES
(Opening the glove box, which falls off and dumps its contents.) Man, where’d you even find something like this? Maybe we should take up the floorboards and just propel it with our feet.
MORTEN
Maybe I could get a better car if I hadn’t lost my job.
SHAKES
Yeah. Heehee. I guess they reamed your ass hella good. Damn, that stinks!
MORTEN
I haven’t been home to change
SHAKES
Change’ll do you good. Man gotta keep swivelling to survive in this town. Shit. At least back in New Orleans I wasn’t wedged in like the underwear these chicks haul up the outside of their pants. I could move, man. I could operate!
CUT TO:
CU of Morten.
MORTEN
What are you doing in Copenhagen?
CUT TO:
CU of Shakes
SHAKES
I’m stuck, man! My old lady got a gig here singing and took off with my kids. After a while I know that ain’t right, so I meet a man who needs something delivered to fucking Denmark. Okay. But then I’m supposed to get the bread and stick it in some sort of “private bank.” Man, I say: I ain’t handing over nothing ‘till I see the goddamn bank and meet the Dago that runs it! Well, these folks don’t appreciate my business acumen, see. So I wake up in the middle of fucking nowhere, without my shoes or anything. Again. Now I’m trapped on some goddamn island surrounded by five million savages.
CUT TO:
CU, 2S from front.
MORTEN
Like me. Sort of.
SHAKES
You? You got your whole life here. You got the system, you got the shopping, Hell, you got it made in the shade!
MORTEN
Hah! What about now? Now I have nothing. Well, just my house, I guess.
SHAKES
Well, that’s some value right there. Why don’t you sell the house?
MORTEN
No insurance. It’s, ah, not a normal house. I couldn’t get anything for it the way it is. They won’t even insure it! Shit! Nothing! I’ve got nothing, nothing, nothing!
SHAKES
Fuck you saying? Can’t be nothing, man. -You got a tv, don’t you?
MORTEN
Yes.
SHAKES
Cool. Let’s look at the tv.
MORTEN
Uh, ok.
SHAKES
(Taking the postcard from the mirror.) This your boat?
MORTEN
No, just a picture. Someday, maybe…
SHAKES
“Sail Around the World.” “Sail around the world!” Now what good is that, if you just finish up right back here?
MORTEN
Your not supposed to go in a circle. Never mind. It’s only a dream. Not in a circle. You’re supposed to keep going.
SHAKES
(Eyeing him differently.) Like a real viking, huh?
MORTEN
(Agreeing cheerfully.) Like a viking. Away from all this.
CUT TO
EXT. STREET. NIGHT.
From Shakes’ POV we pass a large group of gorgeous but spoiled youths congregating outside a nightclub. Some of the lovelier girls yell and give the finger.
CUT TO:
EXT. MORTEN’S CAR. NIGHT.
Reverse CU of Shakes watching the preceding scene through his window.
SHAKES
That’s no shit.
CUT TO:
CU of Morten stomping chickens. Same soundtrack of squawks, etc. VO: “…and this disgusting display…”
CUT TO
INT. MORTEN’S HOUSE. NIGHT.
MS of Morten’s living room. The television is broadcasting the chicken-brutality expose’. Morten’s wife, Mette, is watching it from the sofa, the little dog beside her. Immediately beside and behind the tv, the door opens as Morten enters.
MORTEN
Uh, Honey…
METTE
(Leaping up and running to embrace him.) Oh, Honey! This is great! You’re on tv!
MORTEN
Jesus Christ, I thought those guys…(As Shakes walks in and past them.) Ahh. This is…
SHAKES
(Continuing on towards the tv.) Shakes.
METTE
Hi.
SHAKES
(Moving around the tv.) Hi.
MORTEN
We just met this morning. Actually it’s because of Shakes that we’re…
Shakes picks up the tv and begins to march off with it, popping the cord as he does so.
METTE
Hey!
SHAKES
Been real, man. Huh! Some fucking tv. Picked up better in my time. (Exits.)
CUT TO:
INT. MORTEN’S KITCHEN. NIGHT.
MCU of Shakes coming through the door with the tv. Camera tracks him as he walks across the kitchen towards the front door, Mette and Morten following.
METTE
Hey! Wait a minute!
SHAKES
Thanks, girl, but I gotta go now.
METTE
What did you bring him here for?
MORTEN
He’s the guy who got me fired…
METTE
Fired? I warned you I was getting sick of your friends!
MORTEN
He’s not my friend!
SHAKES
I am now.
METTE
You two come in here smelling like that and think you can ruin the rest of my evening, just like my whole life is here for pillaging…(Grabbing for Shakes and the tv.)…you give me back that motherfucking…
SHAKES
Oh, man! I don’t even know this bitch!-WHOA! (He plummets through the floor, armpit-deep, the tv exploding as it hits the ground.)
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes, up to his armpits in the kitchen floor. The sputtering tv lies destroyed beside him. Mette’s legs make an alluring backdrop.
SHAKES
Oh, shit! I broke my nuts! And my tv! What the fuck’s the matter with you people?
CUT TO:
MS, OS, of Morten and Mette. We see Shakes below them.
MORTEN
I knew I should have fixed that.
METTE
You’ve fixed everything now. Lucky us: we’ve got a talking parquet!
CUT TO:
CU of Shakes
SHAKES
How you people even live this way? And what the hell you call that pinhead scrap? (He is referring to the dog, who has appeared to growl tentatively at him.)
CUT TO:
MS of Morten and Mette, from Shakes POV.
METTE
Don’t you talk about my dog that way!
CUT TO:
CU of Shakes, from Morten and Mette’s POV.
SHAKES
Dog?
CUT TO:
CU2S of Morten and Mette from Shakes POV.
METTE
That’s Morten Jr.
MORTEN
She named him.
CUT TO:
MS, eye-level, of the three of them.
SHAKES
Look, I feel your pain, man, but far as I can see you got no reason to live. I were you, I’d get rid of everything and start all over.
MORTEN
I’d have to fix the house up first. If I could get it insured I could sell it.
SHAKES
That all? Shit, I could do that! Used to take care of the dumps on Decatur Street for my brother-in-law. That’s no sweat, man; I know how to do that shit. You get some workers in here, we have this place looking like the original Danish Taj Mahal! Might want to start on this goddamn kitchen here…HEY!
CUT TO:
CU of Shakes. He is expressing his annoyance at the dog, who is now humping the back of his head.
METTE
(Off. Kicking the dog.) Stop that, Morten! (The dog, at the end of Mette’s foot, flies out of the shot, as Shakes continues to curse.)
Camera swings gently up to include Morten and Mette in shot.
MORTEN
You think the kitchen first?…
METTE
(Grabbing a catalogue off the counter and lowering herself down to Shakes’ level) What about something like this?
Camera swings back down to establish MCU of Shakes as Mette sits down beside him and flips open the catalogue. He peers into the catalogue.
SHAKES
That’s alright, I guess. You like that, Baby?
CUT TO:
M3S of Shakes in the floor, Mette sitting beside him and Morten standing on the other side.
MORTEN
Show him the other one, Honey.
METTE
Oh, yeah, that one’s good.
CUT TO:
MCU, floor level, as Morten sits down beside Shakes, the three of them looking at the design catalogue. Morten hands a bottled beer to Shakes and Mette, keeping one for himself. During Shakes’ following lines Morten and Mette pop their beers open by hand. Shakes struggles to copy them.
SHAKES
I can get you that. Marble counters, dishwashers, cabinets, uh huh, you know that’s no problem. Shit, way I know, it hardly cost you a cent. You be laughing all the way to the bank. Fine-looking shit like this is right in my hands. (Morten has graciously opened Shakes’ beer for him.)
MORTEN
Really? You can do all that? I mean, I could find some guys if we had some materials.
METTE
I like these chairs…
SHAKES
You kidding? That’s no fucking problem. You get those workers here tomorrow and I’ll pull my insurance agent round first thing. Meantime, I got about seven and a half testicles jumblin’ around down here and almost no beer left at all. C’mon, work with me, man! Slide me some brew and let’s scheme this thing through! Shakes on the make is just what it takes! (As the three of them clank fresh beers.) You folks plant the seed, Shakes gets what you need, that’s what. You know we gonna pitch a wang dang doodle all night long.
FADE OUT as they flip through the catalogues.
FAST FADE IN TO:
INT. MORTEN’S HOUSE. MORNING.
MCU of Morten and Mette in bed. The dog is sleeping between them. Morten rolls towards Mette and begins to caress her. The dog growls. Mette pushes the dog off the bed and out of the shot. An enormous crash is heard. They both sit up, shocked, looking towards where the dog would have landed. Morten scarmbles out of the bed and the camera tracks him as he runs to the door and yanks it open.
CUT TO:
MS of Morten’s kitchen as Morten runs in. Shakes is climbing out the back window of a large pickup truck which has plowed through the wall and is now imbedded in the same hole in the floor that Shakes had fallen through the night before. A good amount of obviously stolen household appliances have crashed out of the pickup and lay broken around it.
SHAKES
That’s goddamn fortunate. –I wasn’t sure I could find this hole again in the daylight.
CUT TO:
EXT. MORTEN’S HOUSE. MORNING.
M3S of Shakes standing by the back end of the pickup sticking out of the wall, with Morten and Mette beside him. The camera tracks them during the following dialogue unless otherwise specifed.Throughout the scene we see very clearly that Morten’s little house is an abominable shack.
SHAKES
Well now, here’s your problem. Right off, man, what do you see?
MORTEN
I see a truck imbedded in my house!
SHAKES
No, no, no. Look big. Look deep. Come on, let your soul do the visualisumption! –House don’t look right, man! Got no aesthetic continuity.
MORTEN
Okay.
SHAKES
Whole thing’s wrong. This part’s plaster. This here is termite turd. That roof some wild-ass asbestos from the forties at least…
CUT TO:
MCU of Mette, squinting at the house.
METTE
I see what you mean: it has whip, but is it art?
CUT TO:
MCU, 3S. Tracking with them as they continue to prod the house. Each speaker tends to step slightly closer to the camera as they hit their lines.
Morten and Shakes look at Mette curiously for a second. Then Shakes shrugs it off.
SHAKES
I mean, no way you could sell this thing. This place give you an aneurysm just to look at.
MORTEN
Well, it was my grandfather’s. He was trying to renovate it when the war interrupted everything. I don’t know much about him. I think he was a collaborator.
SHAKES
Like us, huh? …Damn, man. Could get killed around here. Big-ass nail sticking out like that.
Shakes removes his shoe and gives the nail a tap with the heel. About half a roof’s worth of roof tiles cascade down on and around them as they cover their heads.
SHAKES
Don’t care much for that roof, neither.
METTE
What roof!
SHAKES
Look. Why don’t you go make some coffee or something. My guy will be here any minute.
CUT TO:
EXT. MORTEN’S HOUSE. DAY.
MS of Shakes looking at the front of Morten’s house and standing close to Pogo. Pogo is a small Jamaican dressed in a black leather trenchcoat, a leather porkpie hat, dreadlocks and shades. He speaks with a strong Jamaican accent. Morten bobs around and behind them, smiling and not fully comprehending. Moving around them are some two dozen Danish workers Morten has rounded up from his acquaintances. They carry around armloads of materials, bump into each other, leave the dropped materials and continue wandering around.
POGO
Thirteen million Kroner? Now what you be dragging my ass out here for? You saying this old lady crackhouse is worth thirteen million in insurance?
SHAKES
C’mon, Pogo. Just sign the fucking papers. You know I cut you in for a full three per cent.
POGO
I can’t write no policy on this, man. The company gonna run me down and give me grief.
CUT TO:
CU, 2S, of Shakes and Pogo.
SHAKES
Company? You don’t even know those chumps!
POGO
Yeah? Well I know the chump who sneaks these papers into the files and fakes the premiums, don’t I?
SHAKES
Alright, alright. We’ll just have to fix it up a bit in case anyone comes ‘round. Morten! Where the hell you get these guys, anyway?
CUT TO:
MS of the front yard. The workers are carrying and dropping materials and tools, bumping into each other, drinking beer and standing around admiring a toilet.
MORTEN
They’re just normal guys.
The camera tracks Shakes and Morten as they walk around the front yard.
SHAKES
Later, Pogo. (To Morten.) You think they know what they’re doing? (A worker drops a load of scaffolding crossbars to the ground behind Morten.) Hey! Be careful with those johnson bars!
WORKER
We are.
MORTEN
The what?
SHAKES
To brace up the scaffolding. Johnson bars. Don’t you know nothin bout construction work?
MORTEN
Well, mostly I was in poultry. Until yesterday, anyway.
SHAKES
Ok, ok, I know. Nobody ever loved you but your mama, and she could’ve been jiving too.
Shakes exits the shot as Morten remains, seriously worried about Shakes’ last suggestion.
SHAKES
(Off.) Hey! Don’t break the johnson bars!
Cue music (Howlin Wolf: “Wang Dang Doodle.”) and
CUT TO:
MS of the workers in a group, with crowbars, sledge hammers, etc. Shakes and Morten are herding them.
MORTEN
Well, guys, I appreciate the help. Let’s see how much we can do this week.
SHAKES
Probably a lot more than usual around here. Remember: you got Shakes and his snakes , gonna be shakin and bakin. Here. Lemme give you a little ‘menstration.
CUT TO:
CU of Shakes.
SHAKES
Okay, men; start renovating the house!
CUT TO:
MS of Shakes and Morten looking startled as the men roar and run past them.
CUT TO:
INT. MORTEN’S KITCHEN. DAY.
The roaring horde of workers pour through the big hole in the wall and start swinging their hammers and crow bars. We jump-cut around different parts of the interior catching shots of brutal destruction; feet through walls, hammers through counters, tight shots of men swinging their weapons through clouds of plaster dust, walls falling and being broken in two before they hit the floor, etc, until the whole effect is that of a ballet of destruction cum Viking battle scene.
CUT TO:
EXT. MORTEN’S HOUSE. DAY.
Shakes and Morten are looking through the big hole in the wall as Mette comes running out, hunched and shrieking.
SHAKES
You say they know what they’re doing, huh? (There is a lull in the noise. Shakes waits a beat, then yells into the hole:) Alright. Now put it all back together!
CUT TO:
EXT. MORTEN’S FRONT YARD. DAY.
MCU of Shakes and Morten walking. Around them things are continuously raining down. Loud cries of pain are heard off. A worker passes with a crate of beer.
MORTEN
It’s going really well!
SHAKES
Yeah, well, it’s going.
A tree crashes down by them, a man clutching the trunk and screaming.
CUT TO:
MS, reverse angle, as the Neighbor Man approaches. He is very plump and bespectacled and carries an enormous McDonalds bag.
NEIGHBOR MAN
Hey, Poulsen.
MORTEN
Oh, no. Hi, Jesper.
NEIGHBOR MAN
Hey, where’d you get all the Polacks? (Wiggling his glasses and looking at Shakes.) I’ve been thinking of fixing some things around my place.
CUT TO:
MLS, OS, across the street, angled so that Morten and Neighbor Man are clearly looking across the street from Morten’s house.
MORTEN
But your house is good.
NEIGHBOR MAN
Still, cheap labor is cheap labor. Let me know when you’re done with them, ok?
CUT TO:
MS of the three walking around the front yard.
MORTEN
Maybe you’d better not let them hear you calling them Polacks.
SHAKES
Considering this is the crème de la crème of your genetic evolution.
A loud “OW!” is heard off, and a group of workers roll past, fighting.
CUT TO:
MCU of a large truck pulling up onto the lawn.
SHAKES
(Off.) Good. Bout fucking time. The tiles are here.
CUT TO:
MCU, OS, of Shakes, Morten and Mette heading towards the truck. Just now it lifts the back and dumps the load of tiles onto the ground with a huge noise. The camera follows the three as they hurry to the pile of tiles.
SHAKES
Hey! What’s the matter with you? Fuck you dump the tiles for?
DELIVERY MAN
We didn’t.
SHAKES
Oh, man. (Picking a shard of tile up and showing it to Morten and Mette.) What you think? You like this pattern here?
Morten and Mette confer briefly.
SHAKES
Fuck. Forget it. I can get another load delivered on Saturday.
METTE
Oh, no! Not Saturday. We have to pick up our costumes and be on the set two hours early.
SHAKES
You mean you two are actually actors?
MORTEN
It’s for the dancing competition. You don’t know it?
SHAKES
Fuck you say? Tellin me you geeks dance?
CUT TO:
CU, 2S, of Morten and Mette.
METTE
It’s the national competition. Everyone knows the show: “Flaming Assholes.” (Braendende Rovhuller)
MORTEN
We’re good!
METTE
We’re hot!
CUT TO:
MCU, 3S. Morten, Mette, Shakes.
MORTEN
We’re working our way right up through the finals!
METTE
If we make it we win a million kroner!
SHAKES
Million, huh? Yeah, but that’s still in this goddamn play money.
MORTEN
I could still get a boat.
SHAKES
A boat? Hell, you want a boat, I’ll get you a boat. A real one. Meanwhile, we got a house to recombobulate. You do what you have to; I’ll come round Saturday afternoon to deal with the tiles. –Whoa, cool! (He bends down and pulls up a big box from the pile of broken tile.)
MORTEN
(Crouching down into the shot.) What is it?
SHAKES
What I’ve been waiting for. (Triumphantly pulling out of the box a very crooked, strangely angled strip of aluminum flashing.) Now this here is your basic super phat bling-bling household accondiment!
CUT TO:
EXT. MORTEN’S HOUSE. DAY.
MLS, high angled, of workers trying to put up the scaffolding and dropping boards and bars. Shakes is supervising from below and yelling ;”Watch out for those johnson bars!” The camera booms down and in. We see a few workers moving around the grounds having bathtub races. Camera holds on MCU of Shakes just as a beer bottle bounces off his head.
CUT TO:
MS of the Neighbor Man and his Wife coming along the sidewalk carrying huge McDonalds bags. The Neighbor Man stops.
NEIGHBOR WIFE
Now what?
NEIGHBOR MAN
Nothing. I just want to look at the Polacks.
CUT TO:
MS of workers passing the hole in the kitchen wall. Outrageously loud sawing noises are heard, along with hammering and some metallic banging. Shakes steps out of the hole rubbing his head.
SHAKES
Goddamn, I smell bad!
He looks up as a pair of workers pass by with a long jointed pipe they are going to discard. Morton is right behind them.
SHAKES
Morten! Fuck you get that?
MORTEN
I don’t know. These guys cut it off from around the back.
CUT TO:
ECU of Shakes. He squints, smells himself, then pops his eyes wide open.
SHAKES
Gas line!
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes running around the corner of the house, Morten and the two pipe-carrying workers running with him. They stop at a sawn-off pipe sticking out of the house. It is hissing loudly.
SHAKES
You cut the gas line. Jesus! What the fuck…You cut the fucking gas line!
WORKER
No we didn’t.
SHAKES
Get the valve! Shut the main! Go, man, go!
Morten runs off.
CUT TO:
CU of Morten diving onto the gas main and wrenching it off.
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes, surrounded by curious workers. Come in on him as he speaks:
SHAKES
Blow! Every blow! Get that shit outta here! Blow! Blow!
Everyone blows as hard as possible. Morten re-appears with Mette and they blow and fan with their hands.
CUT TO:
MCU of Neighbor Man and his wife, standing on the sidewalk in front of Morten’s and watching the work. Neighbor Man sticks a cigarette in his mouth and reaches for his lighter.
NEIGHBOR WIFE
(Naggingly.) I thought you were going to quit smoking. You know those things are dangerous!
NEIGHBOR MAN
I don’t care.
He flicks his lighter as the wind shifts direction and his wife’s head is immediately consumed in a ball of fire.
CUT TO:
EXT. MORTEN’S HOUSE. DAY.
MS of Morten over a table saw. He cuts a piece of wood then carefully re-sets the angle of the saw. Workers pass around him.
SHAKES
(Off.) Hey, Mo-town!
Morten looks up, then smiles at the new name. Circle camera around as Shakes enters the shot.
SHAKES
Yo. Mo-town! Set that aside for a minute. Here, got us some beers, but you gotta open them. (Watching, as Morten opens the beers.) Man, didn’t your people ever go through a phase where they learned to use utensils? (Taking the opened beer Morten’s offered him and leading Morten off.) Listen, some stuff’s come up. Or out.
CUT TO:
MCU, 2S, of Shakes and Morten sitting down on garden furniture.
MORTEN
What’s shaking, Shakes? (Very pleased with himself for this wit.)
SHAKES
Well, it’s my job, and you might not have otherwise twigged to it, but the past few days these dudes have been stealing us raw.
MORTEN
Naw.
SHAKES
I’m telling you, man. We got materials flying out the door. Nails, tools, motorized appliances, even most of the bling-bling household accondiments!
MORTEN
What do you think I should do?
CUT TO:
CU of Shakes, from Morten’s POV.
SHAKES
I don’t know. It’s too much for me. I mean these guys, in their fundaments, just don’t got no regard for constituted authority! We’re talking thieving, here. –You don’t even want to think about what I hadda do to get half that stuff. I think we just gonna have to send them all home.
CUT TO:
MCU, 2S
MORTEN
But they’re Danish; they live here. Besides, they’re the only ones we could hire. You know what it’s like here. It’s all very strict and structured, but we have more holes in the mesh than anybody. As long as it looks normal, everyone does pretty much whatever they want. Or can. And you know what? These men are the closest I even have to friends.
SHAKES
(Glancing at Morten, then away.) Whoa man. –That sucks little green monkey dicks!
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. NIGHT. THROUGH MORTEN´S BEDROOM WINDOW.
CU of the moon, dissolved in precisely where Morten´s head was in the previous shot. Off, we hear a car pulling up to a stop, the doors slamming and gleeful whoops from Morten and Mette. During this we slowly pull out and to the side to reveal the window, the bed and the bedroom door to conclude on a MS of Morten and Mette bursting through bedroom doorway, running towards camera, past and towards the bed. They are both in fancy dancing costumes.
METTE
We won! We fucking won!
MORTEN
Haha!
They leap in each others’ arms onto the bed.
CUT TO:
MCU of Morten and Mette landing on the bed. Shakes’ bare legs flip up framing their heads. They all scream in unison and bolt upright, Shakes cocking a pump shotgun as he flies up.
MORTEN
Jesus Christ, Shakes! What are you doing here?
SHAKES
Oh, man, it’s the treatments. I been getting the treatments.
MORTEN
Treatments? What treatments?
METTE
(Alarmed.) Oh, Jesus, he means cancer!
MORTEN
What?
CUT TO:
CU of Shakes.
SHAKES
What!
CUT TO:
MCU 2S of Morten and Mette.
METTE
Cancer! Oh my god, like on that tv show!
MORTEN
But I thought that was just a cyst…
METTE
Idiot! It still ruins the ovaries!
CUT TO:
M3S towards Shakes.
SHAKES
No, no, no. The treatments, man! My wife, she’s giving me the treatments. I asked her for fifty kroner and she kicked my ass up and down the street. I was lucky to get away in one piece, but I got nowhere to go, man!
MORTEN
Hey! You can’t stay here!
SHAKES
What am I supposed to do? Please, boss, I’m begging you. I can camp in the basement. Keep the job running. Come on, man, (Desperately.) work with me!
METTE
This is too much! We can’t move this whole bed into the basement!
SHAKES
Look, you got a lot of material lying around here. Better to have someone mounting guard over it anyway…(Inadvertently pointing the shotgun at Morten.) Someone responsible.
MORTEN
Well…
SHAKES
Cool! (He grabs (all) the pillows and covers and heads for the bedroom door.)
CUT TO:
CU of the shotgun lying forgotten on the stripped bed.
CUT TO:
MCU of Morten and Mette looking towards the bed. Mette lunges for the shotgun. Morten grabs her.
MORTEN
NO!
CUT TO:
EXT. MORTEN’S HOUSE. DAY.
MCU of Shakes and Morten walking. Workers cavort around them. Construction noises off.
SHAKES
That whole foundation was rotten! That’s why we gotta pour the concrete.
MORTEN
You think they built the forms strong enough?
SHAKES
(As they arrive beside a cement truck.) Fuck if I know. Come on. Truck’s only here for one day.
CUT TO:
CU of Shakes.
SHAKES
Come on, move that truck into position! Come on, come on! Fuck is the matter with you guys?
CUT TO:
MS of the workers struggling. Pull back to show them carrying the cement truck.
CUT TO:
MS of Shakes in command. The workers, with Morten in the foreground, groan and struggle.
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes.
SHAKES
(Kicking some workers in the ass.) You think it’s funny to lose the keys? Move, man!
CUT TO:
MS of the workers carrying the cement truck. They moan pitifully.
CUT TO:
CU of Shakes.
SHAKES
Move it! We ain’t got all day here. Come on! Now, get that chute into place now. Come on and work you goddamn frickadellers!
Camera tracks him as he walks around to the back of the truck and grapples with the chute.
CUT TO:
INT. MORTEN’S BATHROOM. DAY.
MCU of Mette washing her hair and singing robustly in the shower. A small bathroom window is open at the far end of the shower.
METTE
(Singing to the tune of Aretha Franklin´s “Respect.”) RVSTPVC- Find out what it means to me…
CUT TO:
EXT. MORTEN’S HOUSE. DAY.
MCU of heroic, Soviet-style angled shot of the workers struggling to position the chute.
CUT TO:
MCU of Mette singing.
METTE
Sockittome, sockittome, sockittome, sockittome…
The chute comes through the window. Her mouth opens for a full note just as she is bombarded by a mass of cement, completely covering her. Mette’s scream overlaps slightly into the next shot.
CUT TO:
EXT. MORTEN’S HOUSE. DAY.
Cue music (Cajun accordion boogie, ala Clifton Chenier.)
CU, 3S of Morten, Shakes, and a Delivery Man.
MORTEN
(Signing receipt.) It’s six o clock. We’re nearly facing a mutiny.
SHAKES
(To the workers setting up scaffolding behind them.) Hey, you men! Don´t pile up on those johnson bars! (To Delivery Man.) I thought you were supposed to be here at three.
DELIVERY MAN
I was.
MORTEN
And why is it almost double what we agreed on?
DELIVERY MAN
Price went up. (Takes receipt and exits.)
SHAKES
(Looking after the Delivery Man disgustedly.) Bunch of fucking losers. Can’t see why anybody’d live here…
Behind them, the scaffolding falls over with a loud noise. A number of screaming workers tumble down through the shot.
SHAKES
Come on. Let´s see how far they got before fucking beer time.
We track Shakes and Morten as they begin walking through the mindless chaos of the construction site. As they move, we see a literal mountain of beer stacked up on the lawn behind them.
SHAKES
(Proudly assessing the “work” going on around them.) Well, now! This is what we needed. Just fix this fucker up fine and you know you´re in for plenty of spondulix!
MORTEN
What?
SHAKES
Spondulix. Money, man! I mean, some serious bang!
MORTEN
Gee, Shakes, I´m lucky I met you. This feels like the first time in my life I´m really doing things right…
SHAKES
Name of the game, man. You want to get ahead, you got to grow a head. (Stopping and shaking his head in pleased wonder, then throwing his arm over Morten´s shoulder.) Shit. Just look at you now! I mean, how many people in this town are actually doing anything to redress the spiritual infractions of the human habit? –I can count them on my schlong!
CUT TO:
INT. MORTEN’S KITCHEN. DAY.
MS of Shakes and Morten eating a horrible lunch. The hole is still in the wall. As Morten cheerfully closes his teeth around a bite, a scream is heard. He recoils from his food.
CUT TO:
MCU of Mette, screaming, bursting in through the kitchen doorway.
METTE
(Shaking hysterically.) Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod.
CUT TO:
MS of the kitchen. Morten goes to grab ahold of Mette as Shakes dashes out the door.
MORTEN
What? What is it?
METTE
(Pointing off.) Yeck! Ig! Oohoohoo!
SHAKES
(Returning.) Goddamnit, Morten. These people are animals. You don’t even want to know what they did to the toilet.
METTE
Yaagyaagkeek.
MORTEN
Oh, no. It’ll take weeks to get a plumber.
SHAKES
(Shaking his head ruefully.) Plumber won’t do it, man. But no problem, that’s what you got Shakes here for. Lemme make a call.
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes yelling into a mobile phone.
SHAKES
That’s right, you got it. No, wait! Not number 42! Number 43. Whew, solid, man, I owe you one…
CUT TO:
EXT. KASTRUP AIRPORT. DAY.
MLS, from high angle, of a plane landing.
CUT TO:
INT. KASTRUP AIRPORT. DAY.
MS of a passenger arrival terminal. A normal crowd is grouped around the doorway, greeting a flow of normal passengers stepping out of the passageway, until a happily content and smiling Osama Bin Laden emerges, nodding friendly greetings around.
CUT TO:
MCU of a group of normal Danish people. A little boy looks up in worshipful awe.
LITTLE BOY
Look, Mommy! It’s Osama!
CUT TO:
MCU of Osama Bin Laden, walking along, smiling and waving to the people, who greet him like a movie star.
CUT TO:
CU from high angle of Osama Bin Laden. He is in an extremely narrow bathroom corner, bent over the toilet and doing things with his hands in the toilet bowl.
OSAMA BIN LADEN
(Muttering to himself.) When the people see a strong horse and they see a weak horse, they will prefer in their hearts the strong horse, unless of course that weaker horse is the famous Mr. Ed. Aha! That should do it! (He connects two wires.) Oops.
CUT TO:
EXT. MORTEN’S STREET. DAY.
MS of an entire house exploding.
CUT TO:
MCU of Morten and Shakes appearing in Morten’s doorway to see what the noise was.
CUT TO:
MCU, reverse OS, we see the Neighbor’s house destroyed and the neighbors running around screaming, Jesper with his head still bandaged, as Morten looks at Shakes, who merely shrugs.
CUT TO:
EXT. MORTENS’ HOUSE. NIGHT.
MLS of Morten’s car pulling up to his house. We hear Morten and Mette singing “We won again, we won, we won, etc.”. Morten and Mette, in their dancing costumes, pull up to camera for a triumphant kiss and a 2S.
CUT TO:
MLS of The front yard and front of Morten’s house. Lights are flashing and exploding from within. Music is blasting out at an incredible volume (Jimi Hendrix: “Voodoo Chile.”) Dozens of naked and semi-naked men and women are runinng around laughing and screaming.
CUT TO:
INT. MORTEN’S CAR. NIGHT:
CU, 2S of Morten, shocked, staring out at the scene. Mette, slightly behind him.
METTE
(Leaning forward.) What’d you do to the house, Honey?
CUT TO:
EXT. MORTEN’S CAR. NIGHT
MCU of Morten furiously exiting the car and slamming the door.
MORTEN
Right!
He stomps off towards the house. Camera swivels to track him, ¾ behind as he crosses the front yard. A naked man runs across in front of him pursued by a garish prostitute wielding a whip. She pauses just long enough to give Morten a hard lash of her whip. He leaps and screams.
CUT TO:
INT. MORTEN’S HOUSE. NIGHT.
Quick MS pan around wild orgy scene. Lights are flashing, people yelling, music at full volume, until we lock onto Shakes, dancing very slightly in strange contortions. He is smoking a huge spliff and drinking from a large bottle of Bacardi Black. He is nude except for shiny red boxer shorts, a leopard-skin cape and a bizarre crown.
SHAKES
I am called and I am come! I am smoke and I am rum! The fire of desire! The pantheon entire! Midnight at the crossroads you have summoned my spirit. You will coax me from the treetops and tempt me with treats, for I am the source of all things. I am here and I AM your fear! I AM the god of chaos!
CUT TO:
ECU of Neighbor Man’s face. He wears thick glasses which are completely steamed over. He vibrates uncontrollably. Shakes’ face pops up into the shot to pronounce ominously to the man:
SHAKES
Time to untwist your heart!
Pull out to tight 3S of the vibrating man, Shakes in the middle, and a rather innocent looking prostitute on the other side.
SHAKES
(Kindly, to the prostitute.) Now you go with him, Baby. You keep your tips, cause Shakes knows you’re working hard, spreading joy.
CUT TO:
MCU of Morten, bursting in through the door, the room still full of people.
MORTEN
Shakes!
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes.
SHAKES
Heyhey! Mo-Town!
CUT TO:
MS of Shakes and Morten, people still passing around them.
MORTEN
Jesus Christ, Shakes! What’re you doing to me?
Off, we hear police sirens growing louder.
SHAKES
Nothin yet, my man, but you wanna sample you just go right ahead. You tell em Shakes say it’s a-ok! I am the guiding force! Chaos has been called down this very night!
MORTEN
For the love of god, Shakes! I could be ruined here! They could impound my entire property! I could lose everything!
Police sirens arrive and stop. We hear police cars screeching to a halt, clearly just outside, and see rotating police lights added to the fantastic lights already going.
SHAKES
Whoa shit. Cops! (Yelling in general.) Everybody pay up!
CUT TO:
MCU of a squad of policemen bursting through the door. Everybody screams and runs around.
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes and Morten.
SHAKES
(Putting his crown on Morten’s head.) Take over, Boss. –I love the lid! (He shoots out of the shot.)
CUT TO:
EXT. MORTEN’S HOUSE. NIGHT.
MLS of Morten’s front yard, surrounded by policemen and angry neighbors (mostly the wives.) Cops are chasing and dragging off men and women amidst screams and sirens and rotating lights. Morten is escorted through the shot, futilely protesting his innocence. From the opposite angle, another cop drags Mette into focus. Mette kicks the cop in the stomach and he doubles over, releasing her in his agony. Mette scampers out of the shot.
CUT TO:
INT. JAIL. NIGHT.
ECU of Morten’s face just as the bars of a jail door slide shut in front of him.
MORTEN
(Evidently to an exiting guard.) What do you mean after tomorrow? Hey! I can’t stay here! Wait! Get my wife, she’ll tell you…
VOICE OFF
(Very gruff.) Hey, asshole. And I mean that literally.
Morten slowly turns to look inside the cell.
CUT TO:
ECU of very muscular arms. Camera slowly pans up, taking in a wild jungle of tattoos. Continuing up: a muscular bare chest, also covered in bad tattoos. Then a bushy beard, and finally a complete evil and vicious face. As we reach the full face the camera begins to pull out until we see the full body of the prisoner. He is a dwarf, sitting on his cot with his legs too short to reach the floor.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET. DAY.
ECU of Shakes’ face. Throughout the following Voice Off monologue, Shakes looks slightly concerned. His eyes occasionally wander off to the edges of the shot. Rarely and slightly he nods his head yes or no.
Cue music: vague carnival/street tunes.
VOICE OFF
So. You finally had to come back to me after all. You had to come to me. And now we have to make things right, see if there’s any way to re-establish the respect necessary for society to function in an orderly fashion. So you’re going to do this for me and you’re not going to fuck it up, are you? We will adhere to the overall design and thus avoid any jarring incongruities. That’s right, because if you don’t do exactly what you’re told to do, I’ll carve out your spleen and nail it to your forehead. You think any girl is going to want to hang out with some guy got a spleen nailed to his head? Besides, I’ll have you on a leash. You can’t see the leash because it’s inside you.
Pull out gradually to establish MS of Shakes, in a full-body hot dog costume, a hole cut out for his face. He is petrified, listening to Mofo (the above Voice Off), who, from within his polser wagon, is chopping sausages with a big cleaver while instructing Shakes.
MOFO
The human small intestine, despite its name, is a full seven meters long when freed and unfurled. You see? It’s metaphorical. That’s our leash. Because one end of your alimentary canal –we leave the talking end free—is tied down right here. This is our bond.
CUT TO:
MS of Mofo in his polser wagon. Across the top is written “MOFO’S POLSER.” Below the window and to one side is a logo of a widely smiling child with freckles –very 1950’s—holding a hot dog. The slogan here reads: “THEY’RE MOTHERFUCKING GOOD!”
MOFO
I’m not a hard man to love. That’s because of my artistic nature. I’ve helped you before, Shakes, and you know the breadth of my generosity, but you also might have heard some grisly stories of what has occurred to those who’ve crossed me, those who’ve tried to break these holy bonds.
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes.
MOFO
(Off.) Keep your mind on the grand design at all times. Try not to drink, Shakes. And keep yourself pure of lust.
CUT TO:
MCU of Mofo, OS with Shakes in the corner of the shot.
MOFO
Believe me, you are not equipped to deal with the porcine beauties of Copenhagen; they are famous for their total ignorance and insane temperament. Now go. Go, my child, and reap the little miracles that constitute our lives.
CUT TO:
Montage sequence. Cue music (James Cotton and Otis Spann: “Feel So Good.”)
MS of Shakes muscling through a small crowd of customers at a polser counter. The vender gives him a bundle of cash and a drink.
CU of hands turning over a cash box. Some money falls to the counter.
CU of a pile of cash slammed onto a counter. Shakes’ hand takes it out of the shot.
CU of Shakes taking a drink, then turning away. Camera follows the drink all through this shot.
MS of Shakes walking. People around him detour to avoid any proximity.
MCU of Shakes finishing off a small bottle of booze, then throwing it away.
SHAKES
Goddamn it all, anyway. Fucking shit life. Like I really need this kind of humiliation therapy…
He turns away and wanders off disgusted with his situation.
CUT TO:
MCU, 2S, from ¾ angle as Shakes approaches an elderly polser vender.
SHAKES
I’m here for Mofo.
VENDER
I was hoping that was the explanation. (He takes a bottle of booze and a glass from beneath the counter and pours Shakes a drink.)
SHAKES
Oh, this. Just a little disguise. Keep the law off my back, you know. Gotta blend in.
VENDER
Well, you tell Mofo the rake-off is pretty thin this week. (He empties a box full of cash onto the counter.)
SHAKES
(Pouring and drinking three more drinks.) Yeah. You been under his smelly feet how long?
VENDER
Been at it more than thirty years. Mofo don’t bother me. Seen one psycho, you seen them all. This is a brutal business, son. I’ve seen more evil than any punk sausage seller in town.
SHAKES
(Scooping the cash into a white muslin bag.) You’re a good man, Pops. Been a joy to know you.
They shake hands and Shakes exits the shot. A beat, then the vender calls out:
VENDER
Mofo’s a money monster; don’t let anyone short you on the rake-off and he’ll let you stay alive. And remember: the drinks are supposed to be free.
CUT TO:
Resume Music and Montage sequence.
MS of Shakes muscling through a small crowd of customers at a polser counter. The customers look at him in disgust.
CU of hands turning over cash box, emptying it into Shakes’ hands.
CU of Shakes taking a drink.
MCU of vender apparently protesting. Shakes shaking his head, not accepting any excuse.
MS of people bumping into Shakes.
ECU of Shakes’ hand putting cash into his bag.
MCU of Shakes taking a drink, then smacking his lips.
MS of Shakes barging through a crowd of customers. They recoil in disgust.
CUT TO:
MS, OS, from inside Henrik’s polser wagon, of Shakes approaching.
HENRIK
Well, well. Where’d they find one of these? You look a little over cooked to me, boy.
SHAKES
Yeah, well I bet you don’t get much sun tan standing round in there. –You live here, man? This your ‘partment?
CUT TO:
MCU of Henrik, from Shakes’ POV.
HENRIK
Black humor. I love it. (He counts out the rake-off cash.)
CUT TO:
Reverse MCU of Shakes, from Henrik’s POV.
SHAKES
(Scooping the money into his bag, then looking around the counter.) Well? Where’s my complimentary drink?
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes and Henrik.
HENRIK
(Reluctantly slamming a bottle on the counter.) When you finish working for Mofo we’re going to send you back to where you came from. Right back to Africa.
SHAKES
New Orleans ain’t in Africa, you dumb redneck.
HENRICK
What?
SHAKES
I’ll be sure to apprise Mofo of your initiative and originality. (He exits the shot muttering.)
CUT TO:
Resume Music and Montage sequence.
MCU, from below, of people bumping into Shakes.
MCU of Shakes scooping money off a polser counter and into his bag.
CU of Shakes taking a drink.
MCU of polser vender sneering at Shakes as he hands over the money.
MLS of Shakes, bag in hand, looking at entrance to erotic museum, as though considering whether to enter.
MCU of Shakes finishing complimentary drink at polser counter and exiting with money.
MS of Shakes staggering down the street, bouncing off of people.
MS, circling, of Shakes finishing off a bottle and throwing it away.
MS of Shakes staggering and almost bent in half as a couple of blond girls dressed in white pass by around him in disdain.
SHAKES
Hey, Baby… (He suddenly vomits.)
GIRLS
(Scattering off.) Eeeyeeewww!
SHAKES
No. Wait. Help me. Help me…
CUT TO:
Resume Music and Montage sequence.
LS, almost birds eye, of Shakes weaving and staggering down a wide busy street, through careening automobiles.
MCU of Shakes collecting money from a polser vender and gulping a complimentary drink.
MCU of Shakes squirming and yelling on the ground as a flock of bicycles ride over him.
MS of Shakes staggering down a walking street through crowds of people. His costume is filthy and patterned with vomit and bicycle tire tracks.
SHAKES
Goddamn stupid motherfucking white trash! Mama never told me they had their own goddamn country!
We track him as he walks, stopping just as Shakes stops, clutching a wall and fighting to stay conscious. He eventually looks up at a bar sign in front of him.
SHAKES
A drink, that’s what I need.
CUT TO:
INT. BAR. DAY.
MS of Shakes opening the door and weaving in.
CUT TO:
MS of a woman, from behind, at a juke box. Her arm moves to the coin slot, she shifts her hips and punches a button. Cue music. (Al Green: “Love and Happiness.”) She turns and walks away from the jukebox, and we see that she has a very hard and unpleasant face. Camera swivels with her and we see very clearly that the bar is full of extremely hard-core lesbians. Shakes, oblivious, makes his way through them to the bar.
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes from the side as he sits at the bar, plunking the money sack on top.
SHAKES
Huh. Too smooth, Al! I’ll take a shorty. Gammeldansk.
(The very masculine barmaid, not sure what to do (same with the other customers), pours him a drink.)
SHAKES
(Pulling some coins out of his bag and handing them to the barmaid.) There you are, my good man. (Gulping his drink.) Now that’s just fine. (Signaling for another drink.) Been working all day! (Settling in and speaking to nobody in particular.) Yeah, right. Working for Mofo. –You know: Mofo’s hotdogs. That’s right: they’re motherfucking good! Course I don’t fuck much with the scullery chores; I’m running the financial end of things. (Looking around.) Man! Never knew bout this joint. What you got here, man, I tell you: this here is titty-chomp heaven! (Camera slowly circles throughout remainder of Shakes’ speech, finishing up on the opposite profile.) I tell you somethin, though. I’m sunk, Baby. Mofo’s got me running bag. That’s where I found myself after years of struggle. (Getting another drink, he misses his mouth and spills it down his front.) Whoa. You fucking WHORE! (Wiping the mess off his costume.) Ever notice how a good-looking man looks fine in just bout anything he throws on? Chicks dig that, you know they do, uh huh, uh huh. (Lighting a cigarette with a zippo.) Hah! Don’t mean a thing if you ain’t got that fling. The king of bling get your ass in a sling! Hope I’m not protruding here. Just you watch: I’ll be back on top. Nobody gonna make me look like no goddamn fool! Straight up to the top. Get me some real girls. Some sloppy-poppin lovin like most men only dream bout. That’s right, Al: love and happiness. (Getting weepy.) Love, man, it just tore me down. You ever love a woman? I mean, for real. Just struttin along mindin your own business when BOOM your whole world just sucks itself inside-out and you be spinning through hell with no help in sight. (Crying.) Like being thrown into a pit full of cannibals. Can’t do nothin bout nothin, but you know in your soul that it’s gonna hurt. Gonna hurt just like lovin always gonna hurt. –You ever love a woman so bad it hurt?
(He gives a final gasping sob, then wipes his tears away.) I gotta call my old lady.
(Pulling himself together and putting a coaster over his glass.) Now don’t none of you skanks be puttin no date-rape drugs in my drink! (He turns on his stool and nearly falls out of the shot.)
CUT TO:
MS of Shakes teetering towards the back of the barroom, forgetting the bag of money on top of the bar. Pan with him so we see that he is approaching a wall-mounted pay-phone at the back, near the bathrooms.
CUT TO:
CU of Shakes fumbling at the pay phone.
SHAKES
Hey, Baby. It’s me. Me: Shakes. Yeah, honey, you know I miss you. Miss you a lot. Got all steamed up inside. You know what? I just wanna come over there and spread you open like a clam. Come chase you round and tie you down. Just butter up and butterfly you until you start dripping that hot sweet honey all over the floor. Me pumping away and you screaming for mercy, and –what!—Goddamn, you little retard, you put your mother on the phone right now! (Pause.) Nadine? Honey is that you? Hey, Baby, how you doing? I been thinking bout that good stuff you got for me, you know, and…Huh? Ah, no, I’ve been busy, Baby. Nonono. Nothing special. The usual shit. But, listen, sugar…ah, goddamn it, Nadine, don’t be like that! What! Now, you listen to me, ho…Fuck you say? Oh, man, I don’t believe …Yeah? Well, you can kiss my ass! What the fuck? You ‘spect me to spend the rest of my life choking on that prolapsed … What! Fuck you, cunt! Why don’t you try using those flampy tits of yours to clean out my…
A huge bowie knife slams into the wall just beside Shakes’ head. He glances up at it then, confused and enraged, yells at the telephone receiver.
SHAKES
Bitch! Don’t you point that at me! I’ll take that knife and shove it up your ass! I’ll twirl it round and carve you five new pussies! I’ll plant my dick down your throat and whittle your head while whistling Dixie! I’ll fuck you right up the…
A massive shower of glasses and bottles rains over the back of his head. Shakes instantly realizes something is wrong.
SHAKES
(Still to telephone receiver.) Uh, love you. Bye! (He hangs up and turns.)
CUT TO:
MS of the bar. Everyone there is standing in a close group, obviously angry, gripping bottles, baseball bats, chains, etc.
CUT TO:
Reverse MS of Shakes.
SHAKES
May I help you ladies?
CUT TO:
Reverse MS of the enraged women. They let out a roar and charge into the camera.
CUT TO:
MS from behind. Screaming and flailing, the women have become one huge pile of wrath on top of Shakes. We do not, however, see Shakes for the moment, until, finally, we see the top of his hot dog costume working its way out from a pair of woman’s’ legs. As the massacre continues, Shakes emerges in toto and runs out of the shot.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET. DAY.
MS of Shakes, the top of his costume broken and hanging behind him, running to the camera and past, followed by the horde of armed women.
CUT TO:
MS of Shakes, pursued by the women, running towards the camera. In the foreground is a sidewalk café completely full of yapping women and baby strollers. Shakes leaps over and knocks down tables as he flees.
SHAKES
Outta my way, Brunch Bitch!
Shakes exits the shot just as the pursuing women fill it in. They instantly become entangled with the other women from the café and we leave them all writhing and shrieking.
CUT TO:
EXT. POLICE STATION. DAY.
MS of Morten exiting and coming down the stairs. Camera tracks him from ¾ angle as he indignantly walks away. As he approaches a corner Shakes whips around it and collides into him.
CUT TO:
MS starting from the ground and rising along with Shakes and Morten as they pick themselves up, see each other and scream.
SHAKES
Morten! Morten, help me out man!
MORTEN
Shakes! –What are you?
SHAKES
Trouble, man! Fucking trouble! –I mean, I used to be a hot dog. But listen, this is some big shit! They’re all after me, man!
MORTEN
(Not so friendly. Sarcastic.) Who? Starving children?
SHAKES
Women. Hundreds of em!
CUT TO:
MCU of Morten’s car pulling up with Mette at the wheel. Mette drives up, looks over and makes a face like she can’t quite figure out what she’s looking at.
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes and Morten, from Mette’s POV.
MORTEN
Two days I was stuck in that hell-hole because of you!
SHAKES
Me? What do you think, I run the cops?
MORTEN
We like you, Shakes, but you just cause trouble.
SHAKES
Look at me, man! I ain’t been pulling any weird shit.
CUT TO:
MS of Shakes and Morten from opposite angle, with Mette in the car beyond them. Mette honks the horn three times. Morten and Shakes turn to see her.
METTE
Morten! Leave that poor man alone!
SHAKES
Hi, Baby!
Mette looks closer, then realizes the bum is Shakes.
SHAKES
Morten, man, let me come back to work, that’s all I’m saying. You know in my heart I can’t just run off and leave the house the way it is. I wouldn’t fuck you up, man. (Falling on Morten and crying.) Please! Don’t let me die this way, looking like this! I’m begging you1 Please! Come on, boss, work with me!
MORTEN
(Trying to hold Shakes up and receiving hostile looks from passersby because it appears that Morten is abusing him.) Stop it! You’re making fools of us. All you’re doing is causing more problems! (Mette, nervous about the scene, honks the horn again.) Alright! Alright! Get… up. You can come back to work…but I can’t take…any…more…trouble!
SHAKES
Thank you! Oh, thank you, man! I promise you: no trouble! You can make book on that.
CUT TO:
INT. MORTEN’S CAR. DAY.
MCU, OS, from Mette’s view behind the wheel. Morten, trying to mollify the passersby, hustles Shakes towards the car. He rips open the back door for Shakes, but Shakes yanks open the front door and dives in, almost on top of Mette, who squeals.
SHAKES
(To Mette. Raising his head from her lap.) Damn, you smell good!
Mette, shocked, accidentally floors the accelerator and the car shoots forward out of the picture. The camera swings after it as we hear Shakes’ voice:
SHAKES
(Off.) Hey, you know a good bar on the way?
Cue Music. (Louis Jordan: “I Want You To Be My Baby.”) and
CUT TO:
MCU of a wooden beam rising up at an angle. As it goes up, the camera slides down its length until we see Shakes is the one lifting it.
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes just finishing the installation of a window.
CUT TO:
MS of Shakes standing before a row of workers, yelling at them and shaking a warning finger. When he finishes, they all shake their heads in denial. Shakes rolls his eyes and exits the shot.
CUT TO:
MS of Morten pulling a heavy garbage bag. It rips open.
CUT TO:
CU of Shakes, smiling as he lifts a piece of aluminum flashing (bling-bling) and kisses it.
CUT TO:
MCU of Worker drinking a beer and handing one to Shakes. Shakes tries unsuccessfully to open it by hand. Morten enters the shot and opens it for him.
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes lifting a big wooden beam.
CUT TO:
MCU of Worker moving a large sheet of marble. The camera swing with him as he passes it to the man behind him. Continue same action and camera movement through Morten passing the marble to Shakes.
CUT TO:
MLS of the workers, exhausted, lying all around.
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes finishing installing some flashing around a window. Mette, cleaning the glass on the inside makes an affectionate face at him.
CUT TO:
MS of Shakes and Morten looking up towards the house and discussing. Shakes indicates that he has a solution. Morten looks appreciative.
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes, Morten and Mette drinking beer.
CUT TO:
EXT. MORTEN’S HOUSE. DAY.
MCU of a window suddenly opening. Shakes sticks his head out and calls:
SHAKES
Hey, Motown!
CUT TO
MS of the front yard, from Shakes’ POV. Morten and Mette are looking at a broken lawnmower. They raise their heads and look towards Shakes.
SHAKES
(Off.) You kids get you asses in the house right now!
CUT TO:
INT. MORTEN’S HOUSE. DAY.
MCU, 3S of Shakes, Morten and Mette approaching the bedroom door.
SHAKES
Now I know you can’t recollect everything I’ve always done for you, but I know damn hell well you gonna remember this one. (He opens the door and leads them in. They gasp and look up.)
CUT TO:
MS of the bedroom, looking up at panning around the ceiling. A couple of workers are on ladders screwing the molding into it. The ceiling is pure marble.
METTE
(Off.) Oh, no!
MORTEN
(Off.) How the…Shakes, you couldn’t have…
CUT TO:
MS, from above, of Shakes, Morten and Mette admiring the marble ceiling.
METTE
My marble ceiling!
MORTEN
Jesus!
METTE
The very one I’ve always looked up and dreamed about
Morten gives her a quick double-take.
SHAKES
That’s right, pure Canarsie marble. Got it from my cousin in Atlantic City. He’s been liquidating everything he got on account of some bullshit RICO charges.
MORTEN
(Amazed.) I don’t believe this…
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes. Camera slowly pulls out to encompass the others.
SHAKES
(Addressing a worker up on a ladder.) Hey, you! Fix those moldings. And make sure you screwed that panel in right. Screw it in tight, man!
WORKER
Don’t worry, we did.
SHAKES
You ain’t fucking with me, now?
WORKER
All done! Can we go now? (The workers huddle around looking hopeful.)
SHAKES
Yeah, yeah. Time for your federally mandated beer break. Damn. I gotta go re-do those fucking roof vents. (He exists disgustedly.)
WORKERS
(Rushing out.) Beer time!
Camera tracks Morten and Mette as they move towards their bed.
METTE
(Throwing herself onto the bed.) Hahah! Pure marble!
MORTEN
(Landing beside her.) Only the best!
METTE
You’re the best!
CUT TO:
CU of Shakes on his side, screwing in a roof vent inside the attic, muttering to himself.
CUT TO:
MS of Morten and Mette as they bounce on the bed and squirm. The camera comes in close as they roll around until it seems to get entangled with their movements. As Morten pops his head up for a big kiss, the camera stabilizes on a MCU of them. A brief pause and then Morten begins to kiss his way down Mette’s body and out of the shot. We hold on her face building up to major pleasure.
CUT TO:
CU of Shakes, as before. He pauses and looks down towards his legs. We pull slightly out and down his length to reveal Morten Jr vigorously humping away on Shakes.
SHAKES
In the mood for love, huh? (Scrambling up quickly.) Well it’s my turn now, pinhead!
Shakes pursues Morten Jr out of the shot.
CUT TO:
MCU of Morten Jr, pursued by Shakes. Shakes halts as Morten Jr runs onto the middle of the marble ceiling and turns to face him. The ceiling creaks and wobbles slightly.
SHAKES
Uh-oh.
CUT TO:
CU of Mette’s face, squirming back and forth. Her eyes lock on the ceiling and suddenly open wide.
CUT TO:
MS of the bedroom, with the bed in profile, Morten under the covers. The entire ceiling crashes down on the bed in one piece, Morten Jr riding on top of it.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET. DAY.
M3S of Shakes walking along with cases of beer, Morten, missing his front teeth, walks beside him pushing Mette in a wheelchair. Mette is wearing a cast shaped like boxer shorts around her groin. Her legs are spread out wide and very high over the arms of the wheelchair. We track them from the front, slowly dropping until we catch them ¾ side by the end of the dialogue.
MORTEN
How much more do we have to do? I mean before Pogo can clear the papers?
SHAKES
Pogo ain’t gonna do shit unless we get these motherfucking workers off their asses. Man, I can’t be expected to do everything myself. What we need are some slaves!
MORTEN
This isn’t America…but I think we’re voting on it next year.
They have stopped in front of a house with many young people sitting out front reading comic books.
SHAKES
What the hell are those kids always reading comic books for?
METTE
They can’t help it. That’s a special home for disadvantaged youth (Beboesinstitution). Which is where we’re probably going to wind up soon! Now can we please go home? I need to be turned over.
They resume strolling home, Shakes looking back to see the brass sign in front of the house reading: BEBOESINSTITUTION.
CUT TO:
EXT. MORTEN’S HOUSE. DAY
CU of a hand-painted sandwich board sign in front of the house. It reads:
UNCLE SHAKES’ SUPERHERO SEMINARS
NOW ONLY 200 KRONER
We then pull back to reveal Shakes, in a T-shirt sporting a large “S”, collecting money from a group from the home. Some of these are already dressed in different superhero costumes. Others are accepting their costumes from Morten.
SHAKES
Excellent. Now collect your outfit, killer. Motown, my man, what’ve you got? Whoa fuck, lookit that: The Phantom. –Dude running around equatorial Africa in woolen tights and a headmask, no wonder he got deleriums of grandeur…
CUT TO:
INT. HELICOPTER FUSALAGE. DAY.
MCU of Shakes, surrounded by “superheroes.”
SHAKES
You understand? It’s absolutely unbeatable. This is the first time in history you extraordinary gentlemen are all working together for one goal! Now, These are your rations (As Shakes passes around metal superhero lunchboxes, the “heroes” yap in delight.) and these are your roofing materials! Remember! You are all part of a special unit. Do any of you garbonzos know what a “unit” is? –Hulk!
CUT TO:
MCU of HULK, a skinny kid in a large Hulk costume, with some other “heroes” around him.)
HULK
I got a phone call, I got a phone call, I got a phone call…
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes.
SHAKES
That’s what I thought. Right! We are ready! (Getting up, he goes to the cargo bay door and grabs “Spiderman”) When I say “GO” you jump. GO! (He flings “Spiderman” out and continues with the rest.) Wolverine! Green Lantern! Silver Surfer! GOGOGO!
They each scream as they pass out of the picture, until the screams are all going simultaneously.
CUT TO:
EXT. MORTEN’S HOUSE. DAY.
MLS of Morten’s roof. The “heroes” are screaming and sliding off the roof. On the roof peak is an obviously fake helicopter. Shakes appears through the open cargo door. Morten can be seen in the “cockpit,” making loud helicopter noises.
SHAKES
Morten! Stop that noise and try to save some of our workers!
Cue music (Curtis Mayfield: “Superfly”) and
CUT TO:
The following montage sequence, through the most of the song:
Hulk smashes a sledgehammer through the front door.
Hairy man dressed as Wonder Woman feeling his breasts in amazement.
Human Torch pouring gasoline over himself.
Mofo, with assistants, torturing a polser vender.
Spawn leaping through closed window.
A number of “heroes” drinking beer. Neighbor Man talking with them and pointing to his own house.
Mofo torturing a polser vender.
Silver Surfer chasing Mette in her wheelchair.
Green Lantern smashing his own hand with a hammer.
Phantom placing a struggling Hulk across a table saw.
Mofo destroying a polser wagon with an axe as the vender cowers inside.
Superman sliding off the roof and down out of the shot.
Storm kicking Morten in the testicles.
Human Torch trying to light a match.
Batman chasing Mette in her wheelchair.
Mofo raging and tearing his hair.
Morten Jr. humping a bent-down Spawn.
Shakes playing dice with some of the “heroes.”
Four or five “heroes” beating up Morten.
Human Torch bursting into flames.
CUT TO:
MS of Shakes approaching Morten, who is lying in the hedge. We hear ambulance sirens approaching. In the background the “heroes” continue to cavort, and we can clearly see the Human Torch, completely on fire, shrieking in pain and running around the house.
SHAKES
Morten! Get up, man. Fuck you doing all day, anyway? (Yanking Morten up.) Come on, help me out here. These tards are driving me nuts!
CUT TO:
INT. POLSER WAGON. EVE.
CU of Mofo.
MOFO
What the fuck do you mean he took the money? I haven’t seen him, and as far as I know none of you have paid until the cash is in my hands.
Camera pulls out to show Mofo talking heatedly to Henrik.
HENRIK
(Obviously terrified.) Jesus, Mofo! No one’s gonna mess with the organization, believe me. –Why’d you have that charbroiled foreigner running bag?
MOFO
Precisely because he is an outsider. He’s not a known associate and he’s properly full of trepidation to follow my instructions. Or so went the theory. But I’m not really in the speculative sciences. I’m an artist through and through. And, of course, it’s us artists who historically suffer the bludgeonings of constant betrayal…
HENRIK
But not from me! Mofo, I swear I run a clean operation…
MOFO
Clean! Nothing three meters around you is clean! You stink of duplicity, Henrik. And look at this: when’s the last time you changed the oil? Year ago? Two? Can you imagine what unsavory clumps are multiplying down there? Would you want to put these unknown monsters of the deep in your mouth? What? You would?
Mofo pushes Henrik’s head into the pot of hot oil and holds it there as the yellow stuff boils over the fryer.
CUT TO:
CU of Mofo.
MOFO
Are you getting a vision, Henrik? Can you see all the mysteries there in the deep?
He pulls Henrik’s head out of the pot so that it rises right next to his. Henrik is now missing his lips and nearly every other facial feature. He is now bald except for a flap of scalp with some burned hair attached dangling down the side of his head. NB: Henrik’s appearance remains this way throughout the rest of the film.
MOFO
Now where the hell is my money?!
HENRIK
(Attempting speech without lips.) Neeneeneeneenee!
MOFO
And still more excuses! When I ask a civil question I expect a civil answer! (He flings Henrik to the floor and turns to exit.) Get everybody. We’re hitting the streets.
CUT TO:
EXT. MORTEN’S HOUSE. DAY.
MS of Shakes and Pogo, with Morten and Mette behind them. Morten has by now had his teeth repaired and Mette is now out of her cast and back to normal. They are all looking up.
POGO
Damn, Shakes! You done outdid yourself this time. I gotta hand it to you. (He exchanges hand slaps with Shakes.)
MORTEN
Can we sign the papers now?
SHAKES
Whoa. Give my man a chance to savor the intricacies.
CUT TO:
MLS of Morten’s house, from the group’s POV. It is now a building several stories high, complete with baroque domes; early Soviet Constructivist spiraling structures angled around; a glass garage with a Morten’s car in it sticking out horizontally from the second floor; exterior elevators in the act of whizzing up and down; sparking smokestacks randomly placed; Gaudi-esque balconies; stairs leading nowhere; odd strips of neon, etc. etc.
POGO
(Off.) You folks have certainly got yourself a true palace of pleasure.
SHAKES
(Off.) We should. I modeled it after Wilson Pickett’s place.
MORTEN
(Off.) Almost perfect, huh?
CUT TO:
MCU of the group, from above.
METTE
But do you think it will sell?
SHAKES
Baby, if you can smell it, you can sell it. What say, Pogo? We got a deal or are you for real?
CUT TO
MCU of the group from eye level.
POGO
Hmmm. Alright, we’re cool. ( To Morten and Mette.) Gimme your Abe Lincoln right here at the bottom. (Passing the papers to Shakes) And an autograph from the man who’s seen the signs on high…
MORTON
What’s that?
SHAKES
Gotta co-sign it. Your credit ain’t shit. These guy’s be pissed off they find out you can’t hold down no job.
POGO
(To Morten.)–That’ll be twelve thousand.
MORTEN
Okay. What for?
POGO
Premiums, mon. Gotta keep a couple of clowns happy. Cause there ain’t nothin worse than an unhappy clown.
CUT TO:
EXT. MORTEN’S BACK YARD. NIGHT.
MCU of Shakes, Morten and Mette around a fire. The gadgets on the house travel around and flash behind them as the three of them gnaw on barbecued food.
SHAKES
…So we round the corner, see. And I’m telling you, this chick was fine. Right. We been out most of the evening, down at Marrone’s, eating oysters and drinking like we got hollow pants. Turn the corner and some fools start firing. But not at us.
CUT TO:
CU of Morten and Mette, listening wide-eyed.
SHAKES
(Off.) There’s some other fat boys cross the street and that’s who they’re going for. Now these other cats commence to pop some off right back at the first fucking fools.
CUT TO:
CU of Shakes.
SHAKES
But we’re in the middle of the motherfucking street. Well, alright, I say, that’s enough. Fuck this. So I pull out my piece, push her outta my way, and I start throwin down. So she starts screaming. Cause I’m on the town looking like a gentlemen, see, she don’t know I’m packin heat.
CUT TO:
CU of Morten and Mette.
METTE
What? …I don’t… “pickin feet?”
MORTEN
“Packin heat.” You know, like fucking.
CUT TO:
ECU of Shakes, looking at them in disbelief.
SHAKES
You don’t understand jack shit what I’m saying, do you?
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes, Morten and Mette.
MORTEN
Well, maybe it’d help if you stuck to Danish!
SHAKES
What! Oh, man, I can’t get behind that jive ass turkey talk. Okay, forget it. (Finishing his beer.) Tomorrow we can start on…
METTE
Ah, isn’t that cute?
CUT TO:
CU of Morten Jr. humping some discarded BBQ ribs.
MORTEN
(Off.) Morten Jr. sure loves barbecue.
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes, Morten and Mette.
SHAKES
(Looking disgusted at the dog.) Yeah, well, it’s probably the only hot meat he gets. Any rate, tomorrow is big. We gonna enter the final phase of the cosmic plan. Mostly dig us some basic foundation. Nothin too humongous. Just some post and pillar digs.
METTE
But that will take up the whole back yard. This is where we have our barbecues.
SHAKES
Barbecues? Man, you only got two weeks of summer. (Getting up to get some more beers from the cooler. The camera pans with him and returns with him.) No, sir, final touch of class on this undertaking gotta be what I said: this back room is gonna be the solarium and distillery. (Shakes takes a bottle of beer, reaches behind him at ass level and twists his arm a fraction, then holds out the now open beer to Morten.) –Here you go, man.
CUT TO:
EXT. MORTEN’S BACK YARD. DAY.
Cue music. (Otto Brandenburg: “Sukyaki.”)
MCU of Mette collecting armloads of garden things and walking them away from the site. We realize the music is coming from a radio set outside. The camera tracks her until it intercepts Shakes, also moving outdoor furniture. Mette re-enters the shot as Shakes passes her and she begins to move a giant ceramic pot, crouching and straining, until Shakes re-enters the shot and grabs the opposite side of the pot.
CUT TO:
BLACK. Then:
CUT TO:
MCU of Morten, from inside his car trunk, as the lid is raised and he reaches down towards the camera.
CUT TO:
MCU of Morten as he proudly lifts out his shovel. He smiles and pats it like an old friend.
CUT TO:
MLS, from high angle, of Shakes and Morten digging a large hole in the back yard. Mette periodically passes through carrying more garden paraphernalia.
MORTEN
How many days do you think we’ll have to dig?
SHAKES
Well, I thought about it only for four or five minutes. But if you’re asking how long it’ll take to dig out the foundation, then I can only say: wait and see.
MORTEN
Okay. It’ll be a surprise.
SHAKES
Yep. Love them surprises. Just watch your feet, Mr. Mo-town.
MORTEN
Yes. I love watching my feet.
METTE
You mean pickin feet.
SHAKES
A pick and a ho and away we go.
As they continue their activities they all join in the song, each in their own manner
CUT TO:
MCU of Morten, digging deep, some ways away from Shakes.
MORTEN
Hey. Did you ever do any regular work?
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes, digging and sweating.
SHAKES
What? Here? And get ripped off? Shit. At least in America you know you do the work of three men and get paid like you was one small boy, but you know where it’s at. Here you get the eyes stole right out of your head just because every day is a different fucking deal. Man! Try to deal with these people, you lose money by the minute and wind up with nothing to eat except a trainload of fresh lies. I could do better business in fucking Paraguay!
MORTEN
(Off.) Get better weather, too.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN TO:
MCU of the sun. It blurs.
METTE
(Off.) Shakes.
CUT TO:
CU, OS, of Shakes digging and sweating. He looks up at the sun.
METTE
(Off.) Shakes, honey.
As the focus adjusts, we see Mette standing on the ground above, in front of the sun, holding a tray. Shakes blinks, then realizes he is looking far up her legs as the light thunders through her dress.
METTE
Are you hungry?
SHAKES
Uh…yeah…
METTE
I made you some lunch.
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes.
SHAKES
Aw, now you didn’t have to do that.
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes and Mette.
METTE
That’s okay. I want to. You know I have to keep my sugar-men big and strong.
SHAKES
Yeah. Um, okay. Just gimme a sec here…Ugh! (This last as his shovel clangs on something in the ground.)
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes, from Mette’s POV.
SHAKES
(Pulling and holding up a complete human ribcage.) Fuck, man. What kinda Viking barbecues you been throwing round here?
CUT TO:
MCU of Mette, from Shakes’ POV.
METTE
(Shrieking.) Ohmygod! Bodies!
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes, from Mette’s POV
SHAKES
What! (He looks around him, stumbles, then crashes down through a deep tangle of human body parts.) Fuck you! Get it off me! Stand back! (Scrambling to get out of the hole, he continues yelling.)
CUT TO:
MS, normal eye level, of Shakes scrambling out of the hole, Mette dancing and screaming, and Morten running up to them.
MORTEN
What? What happened?
METTE
(Shrieking hysterically and dancing around non-stop.) Ohmygod! No! Ohmygod, go away, take it away, ohnoohmygod, don’t make me please!
SHAKES
Let go of my leg! Get me outta here!
Morten tries to pull Shakes out as Mette continues screaming and hopping around.
MORTEN
What’s going on? What did you…Holy mother of shit! (Dropping Shakes, who screams and slides back into the hole.)
CUT TO:
MS, OS from Shakes’ POV as he struggles to climb back out of the hole.
METTE
Bodies! Whoa, mama! Bodies! There! There!
MORTEN
(Trying to hold her and reach for Shakes simultaneously.) What the…Jesus, jesus…how could… Who the hell did that?
SHAKES
Fuck you! Who’s asking? Get me outta here!
CUT TO:
MCU, 3S, as Shakes pops onto the ground besides Morten and Mette.
MORTEN
Jesus, jesus…What are we supposed to do with them? –Shouldn’t we…Maybe we should call the police…
SHAKES
Maybe you should pull your head out of your ass! (Scrambling up and trying to herd them away.) We’re getting out of here. Let’s go, man! Go!
MORTEN
(To Mette, shaking her.) Honey! Where’d you park the car?
SHAKES
Leave the fucking car! Get down the street, we’ll grab a taxi!
MORTEN
(Freaked out. Looking wildly between them and the hole with the bodies.) How? But, for how many?!
CUT TO:
EXT. MORTEN’S BACK YARD. DAY.
MLS, from above, of dozens of policemen milling around a huge hole in Morten’s back yard. Camera swivels and booms down to a MCU of Chief Inspector Kvist chewing on a cigar and looking irritably around.
BRANDUR
(Kvist’s Assistant. Entering the shot and speaking with a Faroese accent.) There’s thousands of them, sir. All dressed in Polish army uniforms. World War Two vintage.
KVIST
Don’t be stupid, Brandur. Nobody throws those kinds of parties around here. (He turns away.)
CUT TO:
MS of Kvist, surrounded by activity. The camera tracks him as he makes his way through the chaos of policemen and stretcher-bearers. Brandur tries to catch up to him, re-entering the shot on his lines. Kvist continually turning away from him.
POLICEMAN
(Stepping up to Kvist with papers/printouts in his hands.) The house belongs to a Morten Poulsen, sir. Married. Wife, Mette. No kids.
KVIST
(Indicating the hole from where crew are removing body bags.) How about there?
BRANDUR
No, sir. The parts all appear to be adult. Unless we find some children’s’ remains inside the remains, which would suggest cannibals. But I don’t know the stats on Polish cannibalism.
KVIST
Brandur. I’m not feeling terribly overjoyed about this right now, and until your transfer comes through I’d appreciate it if you’d not speak directly to me.
BRANDUR
I know ventriloquism, Inspector. I could maybe buy a dummy.
KVIST
Yeah? How the hell would I tell you apart?
The camera tracks Kvist as he wanders through the busy policemen and stretcher-bearers.
KVIST
(To Medic.) How much longer will this take? I have to clear my mind for my wife’s birthday dinner.
MEDIC
A week for the prelim.
BRANDUR
(Entering the shot.) Inspector1 Sir! –Am I still invited to the dinner? I can talk to someone else if you like.
KVIST
(Insistently turning away from Brandur.) No! Why don’t you order some take out and have a wild night with your new friends here? Take them home with you to the Faroe Islands! (Getting tangled up in a mess of crime scene tape.) And get this tape out of my way.
BRANDUR
But we have to put it up, sir. No one’s supposed to disturb the evidence.
KVIST
Disturb? They’re fucking dead!
CUT TO:
MCU of NEIGHBOR as he cheerfully comes on to the site.
NEIGHBOR
Hey! What happened to all the Polacks?
CUT TO:
MS of Kvist and Brandur looking up in surprise at the Neighbor.
KVIST
(Considering the Neighbor for a moment.) Take him away, Brandur. (Chewing his cigar and squinting around.) Yes, there’s something rotten in Denmark, alright!
CUT TO:
EXT. SHAKES’ APARTMENT. DAY.
M3S, ¾ angle, of Shakes picking the front door lock as Morten and Mette wait behind him.
SHAKES
Damn, man. Every three months there’s a new goddamn lock! Whoop. Here it is. (Turning to Morten and Mette.) Just hang here a sec, and let me work the deal. (He cautiously enters the flat.)
CUT TO:
INT. SHAKES’ FLAT. DAY.
MS as Shakes enters and closes the door. The apartment is cluttered with overstuffed furniture and fetishes, a tv blaring. Countless children are running around.
SHAKES
Hey, Baby? Nadine?
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes’ wife, Nadine, stomping out of the kitchen holding a pig’s head. Another group of children move with her.
NADINE
What? You again!
CUT TO:
MS of Shakes and Nadine. The children all run delightedly to Shakes and dance around him, yelling with joy.
KIDS
Meat! Meat! Meat! Meat!
SHAKES
Now, Baby, just lemme explain…
KIDS
Meat! Meat! Meat! Meat!
SHAKES
(To Nadine.) Aw, man! What the hell you teach them to call me that for? (To Kids.) Why can’t you kids just call me ‘Daddy’ like all the other little bastards?
KIDS
Meat! Meat! Meat!
CUT TO:
EXT. SHAKES’ FLAT. DAY.
MCU of Morten and Mette standing on the doorstep, listening to Nadine screaming rapid abuse to Shakes inside.
NADINE
(Off.) …You can just haul your sorry ass right back to whatever ho you been slamming up! (Tearing open the door and slapping Shakes out.) I ain’t having none of your thieving snake oil friends comin’ round my house and… (She stops as she notices Morten, who is now directly in front of her. Morten smiles very slightly as she pauses, scrutinizing him for a second.) Hmfh! This your friend? Well, you know what I think? I bet that boy could eat a mile of pussy!
Nadine yanks Morten inside and slams the door shut. Shakes looks back, exasperated, at Mette. Mette looks confused, silently mouthing something and counting on her fingers.
METTE
How much is that in kilometers?
Shakes rolls his eyes and turns back to the door, knocking determinedly.
SHAKES
Nadine! Nadine! Open this door right now! You hear me, woman? Nadine!
NADINE
(Yanking open the door, somewhat disheveled.) Now what! Can’t you see I’m fucking busy? And the other way ‘round, too! You get the hell out…
Nadine shoves Shakes away as a stunned Morten flees into his arms. She freezes as she sees Mette.
CUT TO:
CU of Nadine’s face, scrutinizing Mette. Cue Ennio Morricone riff, IE a full beat on a church bell and a full beat on a bass drum simultaneously, followed by full beat silence.
CUT TO:
Reverse CU of Mette’s face, regarding Nadine. Repeat Morricone riff minus the drum.
CUT TO:
MS of Nadine and Mette. Rotate camera around them as ominous showdown music swells.
CUT TO:
INT. MINI MARKET. DAY
MS of Morton and Shakes at the cooler loading up on beers. Shakes’ children run amok around the aisle.
MORTON
What about the girls? Are they going to be okay?
SHAKES
Huh? Yeah, sure. Nadine knows how to treat with company.
Camera tracks Morten and Shakes to the counter. The owner is whipping his eyes around trying to follow the children.
MORTEN
Are these your kids?
SHAKES
Uh, yeah, sure. I guess. (Looking around and trying to recall them as they scream past him.) Let’s see. That’s Leon, my first boy. Uh. Cordelia. Ajax. Theophania. Elmo. Sparkle. Them two twins, Josephine and Napoleon, call him Nappy. Oh yeah, and Lars.
Leon! What the hell you doing with Lars?
CUT TO:
MCU, from above, of Leon, next to the youngest.
LEON
Nothin.
Out of the bottom of Lars’ very obviously stuffed T-shirt a flood of candy bars fall to the floor.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET. DAY.
Morten and Shakes walking their beers back home, surrounded by the kids, who are swapping candy bars.
SHAKES
Yo, Leon! Give me one of those Snickers, man. (To Morten, as Leon hands Shakes a candy bar from inside his shirt.) Don’t you be fretting about the girls. Fact, they’re probably cooking up something hot and luscious right now.
CUT TO:
INT. SHAKES’ FLAT. EVE.
MCU of the bed. Nadine is lying propped against the pillow, obviously naked. Lying sideways across her is Mette, who laughs and kicks her feet with glee as Nadine pours rum into her mouth. Cue music: (Etta James and Sugar Pie Del Santo: “In The Basement.”)
CUT TO:
INT. SHAKES’ FLAT. DAY.
Montage sequence with key camera and action directionals synchronized to song “In The Basement.”
Nadine dancing a spell around Mette’s head.
Kids running around wildly. Random small fires burning around the flat.
Nadine and Mette. Mette throws her head back in ecstasy.
Kids on small bikes careening around in circles.
EXT: Shakes strolling down a street greeting everyone.
Morten reclining in front of tv.
Nadine sprinkling voodoo gris-gris over Mette.
Kids chasing Morten Jr with bbq forks and cleavers.
Nadine pouring blood from headless chicken’s neck over Mette’s head. Mette in ecstasy.
EXT: Shakes strolling down the street, looks up and greets Pernille, who is leaning out her window.
Football bounces off of Mortens head.
Nadine and Mette making gumbo. Lars watches Mette adoringly.
Kids kick football through window.
Morten Jr. scrambles out of the gumbo pot.
Kids fighting in plastic Viking gear.
Kid fires up stun gun while hovering over the snoozing Morten.
Morten Jr chasing kids.
Shakes loving Pernille against her bedroom door.
Nadine and Mette tickling Lars.
Kid prods Morten with the stun gun. Morten leaps.
CUT TO:
INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS. DAY.
MCU of Inspector Kvist. Sound of movie projector off. Behind Kvist we see some black and white film being played.
KVIST
More than twenty thousand Polish Army officers have been discovered buried in the backyard of a Danish citizen. Forensics are still piecing the victims together and reserve the final count, which they’ve informed us could go as high as another five thousand. Why? How? We don’t know. What we have found is merely a background conjecture. (Pan slightly to show the film screen with the World War II footage playing.) 1941 the Nazis invaded Russia, and, by default, what had been Poland. The footage here is from the Wehrmacht newsreels as issued under the auspices of UFA. Some 20,000 bodies were found buried in a mass grave in the Katyn Forrest, officers and civilian reserve officers of the erstwhile Polish army. The German government released this footage and blamed the massacre on the Soviets. The Soviets denied all knowledge or involvement. The immediate political result of the Katyn Forrest Massacre, as it became known to history, was a shattering of confidence amongst the allies. As you see, the film ends here; and so does all knowledge of the case. (The screen behind him has gone blank.) The case was lost to history.
CUT TO:
CU of Kvist, looking around the squadroom.
KVIST
And, yet, now it all resurfaces here. In Denmark.
CUT TO:
INT. MOFO’S POLSER WAREHOUSE.
MCU of Mofo. Behind him we see a photograph of Shakes pinned to the wall.
MOFO
In our small little world, where order once prevailed. Logic has been turned on its head. Chaos is amok in our streets. The very fabric of our civilization has been ruined by a flaw in the design, an odiferous stain in the color scheme. A heinous crime has been committed under our very noses. How? Why? It defies all reason! But we, together, represent a mighty organism which contains built-in responses to such infections! (Picking up a butcher knife.) This man, Shakes…
CUT TO:
INT. POLICE HQ.
CU, worms eye, of Kvist. NB: Throughout the following, the camera intercuts between Kvist and Mofo. The camera begins in both cases with an extreme worms eye view and slowly spirals up around them as they speak in a continuous movement, despite the intercutting.
KVIST
This man, Morten…of the depraved Poulsen lineage
CUT TO:
INT. MOFO’S WAREHOUSE.
CU, worms eye, of Mofo. ETC.
MOFO
This traitor, this burrowing tick
KVIST
This known whoremonger and suburban pimp
MOFO
This blot on the landscape; this human fence post…
KVIST
Must be now be tracked, chased like an animal…
MOFO
Be hunted down. And taught respect…
KVIST
Until cornered by the stench of his perversions and, finally, baying, brought
MOFO
To justice! To restore the order we have worked for!
KVIST
Because murder, being the primitive spark of anarchy in the forest of civilisation
MOFO
Because murder, being the primordial mitosis of cultural form, we must transform the social transgressor into the sacred offering
KVIST
We must extinguish this raw element and display our determination to the public
MOFO
We must use every man. We must search every corner of Copenhagen and beyond
KVIST
Dismiss no leads; miss no opportunity. Use every resource and neglect no cliché
MOFO
To eliminate and send to hell this scum!
The spiraling ends with the camera above their heads, as they, looking into it, cry out against injustice.
CUT TO:
INT. KHALID’S BAR. EVE.
Cue music: Al Agami “……….”
MLS down a busy bar, looking towards the front entrance. Shakes and Morten enter and walk in towards the camera. People greet Shakes enthusiastically as he makes his way towards us.
SHAKES
(To Morten.) Now ain’t life just free and easy? –This here is Khalid’s bar. This where all the brothers hang out.
Camera begins to track Shakes and Morten, leading them from the front. Everyone turns, smiling, to greet Shakes as he makes his way down the length of the bar.
SHAKES
Khalid, my brother1 How you doin?
CUT TO:
MCU of Khalid, a huge, mean-looking man, behind the bar wiping glasses.
KHALID
Shakes. Back at it, I see.
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes, leading Morten and greeting everyone, as before.
SHAKES
You know it! Back on the scene where I come in between…
The camera now comes, leading them, to Pernille. She is a shockingly beautiful femme fatale, sitting provocatively at the bar, drinking a large psychedelic cocktail.
PERNILLE
(Delighted.) Shakes!
SHAKES
(Elegantly.) Pernille. Damn, you’re looking clean tonight.
Pernille’s eyes glitter and she giggles. Then, turning to Morten:
PERNILLE
Hi!
MORTEN
Hi!
SHAKES
(Leading Morten forward by the arm.) Watch that, man. That’s Khalid’s wife!
We hold on Pernille for a bit, as Shakes and Morten continue on out of the shot. Morten is looking back towards Pernille.
MORTEN
I think she likes me!
SHAKES
She likes you dead, man. Just forget you were even born with a johnson.
CUT TO:
MS through a noisy crowd, smoking, drinking and laughing it up. Bring music up loud. The characters show a wide cross-section of the ethnic types found in the projects. Shakes invariably marks the center of attention as the camera moves in, out and around the crowd. Morten can occasionally be seen smiling and trying to blend in. At one point Morten realizes he is standing next to Pogo.
MORTEN
(To Pogo.) Oh, hi! How’s it going?
POGO
Uh, I don’t know you, mon.
SHAKES
(Appearing and leading Morten away.) Yo, Morten. Don’t you be embarassin me front of the people, man.
MORTEN
(Indicating Pogo.) But I just…Isn’t that?…
SHAKES
Now you know you ain’t learned to tell us apart yet. Give it time and grab a brew, until the colors start forming identifiable shapes in your eyes…
CUT TO:
ECU of billiard ball just as it is smacked by a pool cue behind and slightly above it.
CUT TO:
ECU shot from the balls POV. The camera tumbles across the pool table, taking a number of very sudden and incongruous turns, and, finally, into a pocket.
CUT TO:
Black. Tumbling noise off.
CUT TO:
CU of side of pool table as the ball rolls to a hard stop against the other balls in the slot.
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes, pool cue in hand, as he rises from over the table grinning and acknowledging the cheers of the people around him.
SHAKES
Final shot! But I don’t want you all to get bored to shit having to watch Number Wonderful all night long. So I will bow down to the obligations of a mind formed by nature to lead, and will herewith pass the bacon to my brother from another mother, my man with the plan and a true tower of power: Mo-town!
CUT TO:
MS of Morten sitting on the bench, drinking his beer. He looks up surprised. Then, as everyone begins acknowledging and encouraging him, he shows great happiness at the inclusion and makes his way to the table, where Shakes ceremoniously hands him his cue. Camera moves with him during all the preceding.
CUT TO:
MCU of Morten and others at the pool table. Morten shuffles around for a bit, determining the shot. Camera weaves and circles around the table as Morten makes a great, serious production of analyzing the layout, with loud encouragement from the others.
CUT TO:
MCU, from Morten’s POV, of Pernille, who has come to see what all the noise is about, leaning up against the far corner. She smiles at Morten.
CUT TO:
MCU of Morten, from Pernille’s POV. He sees her, smiles, and finally crouches for the shot, at which point the camera is locked on him from across the table.
MORTEN
(Indicating where Pernille is perched.) Eight ball, corner pocket.
With a last, dead serious flourish, he now backs up the cue, shoots it forward, and loudly rips through the felt across the entire table.
CUT TO:
CU of Khalid, wiping a glass. His eyes pop open in fury.
CUT TO:
INT. SHAKES’ FLAT. NIGHT.
MCU of the front door as Shakes and Morten enter with groceries. The kids run up joyfully and start bouncing around Shakes.
KIDS
Motherfucker! Motherfucker! Motherfucker!
SHAKES
Goddamnit, Nadine!
CUT TO:
MS of Nadine from Shakes’ POV. Kids still bouncing and chanting in foreground. Nadine shrugs haughtily.
NADINE
Well, you’re back in the bosom of you’re lovin family, now, boy…
METTE
(Entering the shot. To Morten.) Hi, Honey. We’ve been working! We made some gumby
NADINE
She means “gumbo,” don’t you sugar pie?
METTE
(Clapping in delight.) Gumbo!
CUT TO:
INT. SHAKES’ KITCHEN. NIGHT.
ECU of a bowl. Immediately a ladle slaps a large mass of disgusting slop into the bowl.
CUT TO:
MS, from slightly above, of Nadine putting a large pot on the stove as the other three adults sit around a table, bowls of gumbo before them and kids wedged in between them. Lars sits on Mette’s lap, staring at her adoringly. The kids are eating raucously, the adults desultorily.
NADINE
Now you all just enjoy the hell out of that fine gumbo and lemme know who needs another helping.
METTE
(In mild shock.) We made enough for another week.
SHAKES
Yeah, well, will we survive another week?
NADINE
(Back at the table, seating herself.) I tell you right goddamn now: you gonna eat it and you gonna like it! I ain’t gonna be hearing nothing against my Mama’s gumbo, Mr. Beans and Caviar. Not unless you’re looking for another connubial ass-kicking. Morten! What you think?
MORTEN
(He chokes. We see he has been silently weeping.) I…It…It’s my first time!
CUT TO:
INT. SHAKES’ LIVING ROOM. NIGHT.
MCU of Mette, seated, and Nadine moving around the room lighting voodoo candles. Mette has Lars in her arms. Lars continuously stares at Mette adoringly. The kids are rampaging around and the television is on.
METTE
…So I just call on this goddess…what’s her name… whenever I need help?
NADINE
That’s right.
CUT TO:
MCU of the television. We see the same producer as in the beginning of the film.
PRODUCER
Meanwhile, a massive manhunt for the mass murder continues…
CUT TO:
MCU of Nadine and Mette, as above.
METTE
So why are we in such trouble now?
NADINE
That’s the menfolks doing. Goddess can’t do nothin bout plain wild-ass stupidity. Take it from me: as a woman I can tell you right now: it’s all on account of those dumbass dickheads. Whoring and hitting is about all they know, and even if it lands us all in hell they’re gonna keep right at it til kingdom come.
METTE
Oh, mine’s alright, I guess. If nothing else, he keeps me from marrying other men.
NADINE
Don’t tell me; lemme guess: he’s the only man you ever made it with, huh? No? Ok, little girl-child, how many, then?
METTE
Hundred. Maybe more.
NADINE
Well, maybe you ain’t so sponge-headed after all. So all this time you been doin what’s right for you and disregarding your oppressive circumstances. That’s good, Baby. I likes a woman who knows her own mind.
METTE
I don’t know if it is my own mind. I don’t know who or what is thinking. I think I’m confused. I mean, I could be, couldn’t I? –Confused, I mean. Is the world really just a dream? What if it’s when I’m dreaming that I’m in reality? And this here is actually just a stupid series of dirty imaginings? What if I am the only one who knows which is the dream? Who’s going to like me then?
NADINE
Now, now. You just calm yourself down and quit worrying yourself bout what anyone else thinks. If what you say is what you think, then that’s fine. You go right ahead, honeychild. I mean, now, just look at me: I’m out of my fucking mind! And you know what? I LOVE it!
CUT TO:
INT. SHAKES’ KITCHEN. NIGHT.
CU of Shakes shaking his arms.
SHAKES
Goddamn women must be outta their fucking minds.
Out and pan slightly to reveal Shakes scrubbing a wall and Morten washing a mountain of dishes beside him. The kitchen is entirely destroyed, and each counter top and wall is absolutely splattered with crap. Morten Jr. watches them hungrily from the floor.
MORTEN
Mine isn’t. She’s a good girl. Helps me out, you know, keeps my mind on the subject.
SHAKES
What subject?
MORTEN
I don’t know.
SHAKES
Yeah, well, one thing you do know is the two of us ain’t fit to serve time in this dogshit town.
MORTEN
(Agreeably.) Heehee. Dogshit town.
SHAKES
Ain’t no joke no more, Morten. You wanna spend the rest of your life chained to this place and cleanin up after women? You was gonna sail the world, remember? (Throwing down his towl.) Shit! I’m bustin outtta here. (He moves towards the doorway.)
CUT TO:
CU of Morten, silent, abandoned.
CUT TO:
CU, from above, of Morten Jr. He whimpers.
CUT TO:
MS of Shakes, re-appearing in the doorway.
SHAKES
Man, you coming or not?
CUT TO:
MS of the kitchen from the doorway. Shakes in foreground, Morten in the background with Morten Jr. in his arms.
SHAKES
I ain’t bringing no horndog from hell, though.
MORTEN
(Cheerfully setting the dog down and reaching for a bowl from the counter beside him.) Okay.
SHAKES
And one more social aspect: do you always have to follow me around in that monkey-suit?
MORTEN
That’s true. Maybe I should go shopping tomorrow.
SHAKES
Shopping? That how you people deal with every goddamn thing comes up? Damn, Morten, you’re on the lam, hitting the mattress, cops on you like pubic crabs and, what’s more, we’re motherfucking broke, man. You think I can extend my credit at Khalid’s? Shit! He ain’t selling gentlemen’s attire, he’s selling alcohol!
MORTEN
Okay. I’ll be fine. –Do you have any dog food around here?
SHAKES
Not unless we can score some at Khalid’s. (Shaking his head, taking pity on Morten.) Hang on a sec, lemme see if I can find you some decent duds. (Exits.)
MORTEN
(Grabbing a bowl of gumbo and lowering it to the floor. To Morten Jr, with the camera swinging with him.) Here you go: fresh gumbo!
CUT TO:
CU, from above, of Morten Jr. just as the bowl is placed on the floor in the foreground.
MORTEN JR.
(Backing away from the bowl.) Hey! Do I look like a bitch?!
CUT TO:
EXT. STROGET. NIGHT.
MS of Kvist and Brandur accepting hotdogs from a vender. They turn and stroll down the street as we track them from the front. Brandur, when he speaks, begins by addressing Kvist, then always turns his face away so as not to speak to the Inspector directly.
BRANDUR
How? How? We must find out how it happened!
KVIST
How? It’s simple. Look around. Look at us, Brandur: We can drink, but we cannot love. The combination is intrinsically dangerous. All these people living a life of excruciating loneliness, tickled by a sort of depressed hedonism. Some turn to sex. Some to sport. And some turn to slaughter. If you’re lucky, Brandur, you’ll just stagger through life like an insect, hang on to your job, maybe meet a Danish girl and find out you’re not your own worst enemy after all.
BRANDUR
Uh. No, I mean how did anyone kill that many people right here? And when? (By averting his face from Kvist’s, Brandur accidentally walks out of the shot.)
KVIST
Who gives a shit? Morten’s in Copenhagen somewhere. He’ll get what he deserves.
BRANDUR
(Trotting back into the shot.) But we’re talking about murder victims from the Second World War! We have to go through the archives and find out who owned that property and what their relationship to the occupiers was!
KVIST
Archival research is not our goddamn job. We’re policemen. We’re in Denmark. He’s a citizen. He’s already as good as caught. (throwing his hotdog down.) Christ, Brandur, how I hate the lot of them! Forty-five years of keeping order and all I’ve seen are sheep and butchers. To experience any human joy at all anymore I must cleave the ether, walk around and bathe in the starlight; keep walking around just to watch the cretins.
Brandur glances up at Kvist, down at his hot dog, back up at Kvist, then grins uneasily as Kvist wanders off.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET.
MCU of Pernille walking. Cue music (Muddy Waters: “I Want To Be Loved”). Initially following her from behind, the camera gradually overtakes her, circles around the front, and winds up keeping pace with her from the side. She stops as she comes abreast of Shakes, Morten, Pogo, et al. Sitting on a stoop. Morten is now wearing some of Shakes’ old clothes, namely a horribly electric 1970’s-style pimp suit.
POGO
Hey, Pernille, lady. Howzit all now?
PERNILLE
Hi, boys! Whew. Sure is hot today.
SHAKES
Yeah. Looks like we got us a heat wave!
PERNILLE
Oh, god, yes. I’m dripping!
SHAKES
Sounds like a natural response.
CUT TO:
MCU of Morten, with some of the others.
MORTEN
I’m pretty hot…
MAN
You look like hammered shit.
CUT TO:
MCU of Pernille. Adjusting her bra strap.
PERNILLE
I don’t figure something out, everything will be all stuck together permanently!
CUT TO:
MS of the group, from an angle, with Pernille squirming.
MAN
Whole world’s stuck shut. That’s what’s wrong with everybody.
PERNILLE
Well. I’m really sorry, boys, but I have to get home and do something with myself. I’m absolutely soaked.
She blows a kiss and turns, walking off down the street. The camera swings to follow her walking away. She waves back over her shoulder.
CUT TO:
CU of Shakes and Pogo.
POGO
Well, that’s entertainment! (To Shakes.) So, I believe we clear on the operationals?
SHAKES
Solid. I’ll get my boy on the site somehow. Most part, I got it all figured out. Trust me, no problems this time.
POGO
Cool.
Shakes and Pogo slap hands and Shakes rises, brushing his clothes off. The camera rises with him and pulls out to catch the group sitting around.
SHAKES
Work, work, work. Hmmm. Now, if you’ll excuse me, gentlemen, there’s something special I need to look into.
The men all laugh (except Morten.) as Shakes shakes hands and saunters off in the direction Pernille went. Camera swings on his exit slightly.
CUT TO:
MS of Morten and the entire group. The men continue to sit as they were, ignoring Morten. They insouciantly move their heads or gesture slightly, indicating that they are watching the (unseen) passing vehicular and pedestrian traffic. They maintain, however, complete silence for a full 20 seconds. Morton is confused and very uneasy during this silence.
MORTEN
(Addressing the men.) I’m Morten.
POGO
(Ironically.) No shit? –Well, I…we…I’m…we…we’re speechless.
The men resume their silent observing exactly as before, completely ignoring Morten, who keeps looking at them, expecting some response, but this time the gag lasts a full 50 seconds.
CUT TO:
MCU of Morten walking down the street alone.
MORTEN
(Angry. To himself.) Kind of humiliating. Oh, what am I doing here, anyway? This is a beautiful come-down!
LEON
(Off.) Hey! Uncle Motown!
CUT TO:
MCU from Morton’s POV of Leon, Ajax, and a group of other neighborhood children around a fire hydrant. Leon and Ajax are trying to open the main cap.
AJAX
Uhh! Give us a hand, man…
MORTEN
(Off.) What are you doing with the hydrant?
AJAX
UGGGGGGHHHH!
CUT TO:
MS of Morten and the group of children.
MORTEN
Hey! What’re you kids doing in the streets? Shouldn´t you be home, helping out?
LEON
Too hot. And why should you care anyway?
AJAX
Yeah. You ain’t buying the food.
MORTEN
You’re not supposed to open that. That’s for emergencies only.
LEON
Man, check out this weather, Poindexter! Why don’t you help us instead of standing round like a dildo?
MORTEN
No, no. That’s a good way to get in trouble.
AJAX
Ah, c’mon, man. We’re frying like pork!
LEON
We do it back home all the time. Fire department comes round the hood on hot days and lets us play in the spray.
CUT TO:
CU of Ajax, from Morten’s POV.
AJAX
You don’t, we call a cop and say you tried to cornhole us.
CUT TO:
Morten, from the kids POV
MORTEN
What?!
CUT TO:
Leon, from Morten’s POV.
LEON
You want the cop?
CUT TO:
Morten, from kids POV.
MORTEN
No!
CUT TO:
Leon and Ajax, from Morten’s POV.
LEON
You gonna help?
CUT TO:
Morten, from kids, POV.
MORTEN
Uh…
CUT TO:
Leon and Ajax, from Morten’s POV.
AJAX
Or the cornhole?
CUT TO:
Morten, from kids POV.
MORTEN
No!
CUT TO:
MCU, slightly high, of Morten surrounded by the kids.
KIDS
(Together. Dancing around Morten.) Cornhole! Cornhole! Cornhole! Cornhole!
MORTEN
Uh, okay. Here, let me see that wrench. (The kids cheer.)
CUT TO:
INT. PERNILLE’S APT. DAY.
MCU of Shakes kissing Pernille up against the wall.
PERNILLE
Ummm, Shakes. How come you’ve been away so long?
SHAKES
Because of my wife.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET. DAY.
MCU of Khalid walking.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET. DAY.
CU, ¾, frontal, of Morten unscrewing the hydrant bolt. The kids beside him cheer him on as he sweats and struggles with the wrench. After a few moments of this the hydrant flies open and a huge blast of water completely blocks out his face.
CUT TO:
MS, ¾ angle, of the water from the hydrant blasting Morten backwards through the air.
CUT TO:
INT. PERNILLE’S APT. DAY.
MS, ¾ angle of Morten, propelled through the window by the water. He crashes into Shakes and Pernille, propelling Shakes out the window opposite that which Morten flew in by. Pernille screams.
CUT TO:
MCU of Khalid entering.
KHALID
Hey! (He runs over and grabs Morten off of Pernille.)
KHALID
WHAT? You again! What you been doing with my wife?
MORTEN
Nothing! I…I…Nothing!
KHALID
Nothing?! What’d you call this? Man, you come all over my floor!
MORTEN
No! Please!
KHALID
(Grabbing Morten by the collar and shaking him like a toy.) I’ll kill you, you Jutland pussy-thief! (He pulls out a pistol.)
MORTEN
No! Please, no! PLEASE don’t kill me! Please no! No! Pleasedon’tkillmePleasedon’tkillmePleasedon’tkillme! Wait: (With sudden inspiration.) I could be your friend!
KHALID
My friend?! My friend?! YOU FUCKED MY WIFE! I’ll blow your ugly head off! YOU FUCKED MY WIFE!
(Sound Off: A window going up, then someone yelling🙂
VOICE OFF
So what? So did I!
(Another window is heard opening.)
VOICE OFF 2
Yeah, me too!
(Many windows are heard opening in rapid succession, with:)
VOICE OFF 3
And me!
VOICE OFF 4
Me too!
VOICE OFF 5
So did I!
(ETC., until an innumerable number of voices are all chorusing the same message. Khalid, in shock, has almost imperceptibly released Morten. He now turns slowly to Pernille. Since Khalid’s entrance Pernille has stood by insouciantly fanning herself. She continues this action through the remainder of this scene.)
KHALID
Pernille. Baby. Is this true?
PERNILLE
Is what true?
MORTEN
(Amazed. More or less reasoning to himself.) They can’t all be lying…
CUT TO:
CU of Khalid from below. He roars in frustration and sticks the gun in his own mouth.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY IN PERNILLE’S BUILDING. DAY
MCU of Morten scrambling past the camera and away as a loud gunshot is heard.
Cue music (Ray Charles: “Let Me Take Over.”)
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET. DAY.
MS, from slightly below, of a very diverse group of young people from the projects sitting together on a set of doorsteps, almost in parody of the street life in the American south.
A
…Man, you put your foot in one of those and your mind gets bogged down for twenty, thirty years…
Morten runs into the shot. They regard him skeptically.
MORTEN
Shakes! –You seen Shakes? (He notices the bottle they have been passing around, grabs it and takes a massive swallow.)
A
What are you doing, man? That’s pure cane fire-water!
CUT TO:
CU of Morten.
MORTEN
Shakes…There’s a dead man. Or a woman. Maybe both. (He downs another gulp from the bottle before they can grab it back from him.)
CUT TO:
MCU of some of the group.
C
(Grabbing the bottle.) Hermaphrodite. Cool. The man stiffed a hermaphrodite!
CUT TO:
CU of Morten.
MORTEN
And lots more. Dead. At my house! (He intercepts the bottle being passed around and takes another big gulp.)
CUT TO:
CU of “B”. From this point all the remaining shots in this scene are whip-pans unless otherwise specified. The bottle is continuously passed around. Morten grows insanely drunk.
B
(Skeptically.) Shit. Mr. Big Time. –You think we’re fools?
A
We look like fools?
D
How long you been here, anyway?
MORTEN
Uh,
E
Never mind. (Handing Morten the bottle.) Here.
MORTEN
(Drinking.) Where are you from?
A
Samir is from Syria. I’m from Iraq. He’s from Manderup.
MORTEN
You mean you’re terrorists?
C
Me? No way. Why should I listen to some filthy rich mothers pretending they care about my ass? You ever notice how they keep hitting commute hours? Unaccountable number of their own Muslim brothers victims in each case? Blowing up the working class? Man, you lost me right there…
D
Gotta keep in mind this whole shit is coming from some incalculably wealthy points of origin…
F
That’s right. Whole thing’s just a very well-funded fascist mutiny against the overall imperialist structure.
MORTEN
What?
A
You think they actually want to do good for their own people?
C
Have they ever?
A
Ever?
B
You know we don’t belong on either side.
D
Fuck that bullshit. Hey, Samir! You actually gonna be a pappy soon?
C
Yeah. Baby’s due sometime this month.
A
Howeee. Then you gonna be a Pap Samir!
C
(Furious.) WHAT!
They all laugh.
Morten laughs and spills some alcohol.
C
What’re you laughing at, fool?
F
You think we’re fools?
D
We look like fools?
Morten laughs.
E
Shit. This fool is about as useless as you are.
B
Who says I’m useless?
A
Well you are useless.
Morten laughs and drinks.
B
Hey! I contribute, man. I help out, you know that, down at the retired place.
A
Yeah, until you got yourself fired.
Morten laughs.
B
Well, how was I to know those old slobs understood any English? I’m just trying to cheer them up.
D
Yeah, right. This fool goes down to the old folk’s home and leads them in a couple of rousing choruses of “Ass-Fucking Mama.”
Morten laughs uproariously
MORTEN
(Laughing.) That could be a problem.
A
The problem’s not the problem. The problem is how you deal with the problem.
MORTEN
Life is a problem.
C
Shit. You know what your problem is?
CUT TO:
CU of Morten.
MORTEN
Okay
CUT TO:
MCU of “B” with some others around him.
B
Your problem is, you are one fucked-up nigger.
CUT TO:
CU of Morten. Now grotesquely drunk, he laughs uncontrollably, then falls face-first into the camera
CUT TO:
Black, then:
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET. NIGHT.
MS of Morten stripped to his underwear, lying face-down in a puddle of water in the street.
MORTEN
(Singing as loud and exuberantly as possible with his face in the puddle.) SINGing in the rain, I’m SINGing in the RAIN, what a glorious FEELING…
On “Feeling,” a policeman’s boot kicks Morten in the ass.
CUT TO:
MS of Policeman pulling Morten up with difficulty. Policeman straightens him up at arms length. Morten, wildly drunk, sways.
POLICEMAN
Alright, let’s see some ID.
MORTEN
Uh, okay. (He looks around his body and finally in his underwear.)
POLICEMAN
Never mind that! What were you doing there? –Who are you?
MORTEN
I’m Batman!
POLICEMAN
(Suspicious.) How do I know you’re Batman?
MORTEN
Because I’m Morten!
POLICEMAN
Wait a minute! Morten? Not the Morten? (He takes out a large police photo of Morten to compare it. Over the photo someone has drawn devil horns, a Dali moustache, a goatee, and has blacked out some teeth and added an eyepatch. The cop scrutinizes the photo as Morten begins to squirm nervously.) Not Morten Poulsen, huh?
MORTEN
Uh, okay.
POLICEMAN
Okay. –Okay, what?
MORTEN
Okay, Poulsen. -I gotta pee! (He runs off.)
The Policeman registers shock, then grabs his radio and starts yelling for Inspector Kvist.
CUT TO:
MCU of Morten. From his face and the tinkling sounds, we realize he is pissing. Pull out to reveal him pissing against the side of a polser wagon. The customers around it yell in disgust and scatter. Henrik peeks out and around from the inside and sees Morten.
HENRIK
Neeneeneenee!
CUT TO:
CU of Morten. He looks up in surprise and alarm, then runs off, away from the camera.
CUT TO:
MS of Morten running down a street. He overtakes the camera until we see him from behind. He stops as he see another polser wagon crossing the alley opening ahead of him. He turns and runs back towards the camera and out of the shot.
MORTEN
Sorry, sorry, sorry…
CUT TO:
MS of polser wagon being pulled by on of Mofo’s venders. Morten runs into the shot, then runs off in a different direction.
CUT TO:
MCU of a building corner. Morten appears, stops himself, then registers concern.
CUT TO:
MLS of many polser wagons puttering in a group down the street.
CUT TO:
LS, birds-eye, of Morten running down the middle of a street.
MORTEN
Sorry, sorry, sorry…
A caravan of polser wagons cross the street ahead of him. He freezes, then runs back.
CUT TO:
MCU of Morten, leaning against a wall and panting. Off, we hear the sound of a moving polser wagon. Morten’s eyes pop open and he runs down the alley.
CUT TO:
MCU of Mofo driving a polser wagon with a grim look of determination. Boom up to LS as he approaches to reveal a formation of polser wagons moving along behind him.
CUT TO:
INT. SHAKES’ FLAT. NIGHT.
MCU of Shakes, seated in an armchair, with Leon and Ajax on either side of him. Kids run amok behind them. Nadine and Mette occasionally pass as they chase them.
SHAKES
(To Leon and Ajax.) Now this is a different approach from what you’re used to. Twenty four hours on the dial. Can you read that? Timer means hours in Danish, not timer like I’m holding in my hand. Now, either of you sprats know how to count to twenty three? Cause that means eleven at night.
CUT TO:
MCU of Leon and Ajax, from Shakes’ POV. They are perched looking up at him like the cherubs in Rafael’s Sistine Madonna.
AJAX
Ain’t we supposed to be in bed by then?
SHAKES
(Off.) That’s what the timer’s for, Ajax!
CUT TO:
MCU of the three of them.
SHAKES
You and Leon get to the address, set up the goods just like I always showed you, then put this colored wire here and the red one like so, and get the hell back here before…
CUT TO:
CU of the door just as Morten bursts in.
MORTEN
Shakes! Hide me!
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes, with the boys.
SHAKES
I am!
Pull out for MS of the room as Morten dashes over to Shakes.
MORTEN
Hide me some more!
SHAKES
Fuck you talking about?
MORTEN
Polser men. Hundreds of them. All because I had to pee!
SHAKES
What? Look, I’m breaking my ass trying to take care of business and here you are hallucinating bombed. And how come you sold my suit, man?!
MORTEN
(Pulling Shakes to the window.) Look! It’s not DTs.
CUT TO:
MLS, OS, of the polser wagons passing on the street below, as Shakes and Morten press their faces to the window.
SHAKES
Henrik! Shit, that means Mofo! –Goddamn, I knew I forgot something! (They turn away from the window. Camera tracks them in CU2S.) Greedy motherfucker probably come here looking for his money…
MORTEN
Jesus, Shakes! You mean you stole money from those thugs?
SHAKES
I didn’t swipe nothin, man! If I had Mofo’s money do you think I’d be here in this zoo?
CUT TO:
MS of the room. Mette has Lars in her arms. Nadine is yanking the arms of Theophania and spanking her as she tries to twist away. Elmo stands by Nadine. The camera comes in on Nadine’s group as she speaks the following line.
NADINE
Don’t you call this a zoo! These are my lovin children who live here! (To Elmo.) What the hell you want now, Elmo?
ELMO
Josephine keeps trying to horn in on my Legos.
Pull in close on Nadine, from low angle, so that Elmo’s head is just at the bottom of the shot.
NADINE
And what’s wrong with sharing?
ELMO
It thwarts me on account of she has an undeveloped imagination.
CUT TO:
ECU of Nadine, from below.
NADINE
So? You got that fucked-up face!
CUT TO:
ECU of Elmo, from above. His face reacts with shock, then, about to burst into tears, he runs off, away from the camera, and out of the room.
CUT TO:
MS of the room, with all the adults –Shakes center—and the kids running amok.
SHAKES
Everybody shut the fuck up! This is a life and death situation here!
METTE
What should we do? Call the cops?
MORTEN
No!
SHAKES
Nadine! Can you round up some of the duds from the last carnival?
NADINE
I do whatever the hell I please!
SHAKES
Goddamn you crazy bitch! We got no time for your fire-hole wim-wam!
Nadine huffs and walks off.
SHAKES
(Scribbling something on paper and handing it to Mette.) Mette, Baby, call this number. Tell them we need the full Sunday choir…
METTE
(Peering at the note.) Hey! This is a church!
SHAKES
You kids hit the hood. You tell everybody to put on their rags and get the spirit. Yeah, and make sure they know, we gonna need some Wild Tchapatoulas!
MORTEN
What are you doing? Mofo’s probably going to come here and slaughter us!
SHAKES
Uh-huh. And it’s gonna be our funeral!
CUT TO:
MCU of Nadine, furious, appearing in the kitchen doorway, cradling a large pot of gumbo.
NADINE
Ain’t nobody ever call me a bitch! (She hurls the pot of steaming gumbo.)
CUT TO:
MS of Mette, Shakes and Morten. The gumbo flies at Shakes, who ducks.
CUT TO
CU of Morten’s face just as the gumbo hits it.
CUT TO:
INT. ARCHIVAL STORAGE ROOM. DAY.
MCU of Brandur, exhausted, pouring through mountains of documents.
BRANDUR
(To himself as he reads through countless papers.)…Over it one more time. You were observed…I mean, you were seen…You were obscene…no. Too many contradictions, my boy. Too many holes. You think it’s funny? What? Oh yes? Well, maybe if we squeeze a little harder this time! What’s that? I can’t hear you. Sticking to that, are you? Bastard! Think we’re imbeciles, do you? Very well! Brandur, kick his teeth down his throat!…Hey! (He jolts to attention as he spots something on a sheet of paper, then instantly grabs another paper from a far pile, compares them, and repeats the process several times very rapidly.) Oh, Jesus, no! Oh, yes! Oh, boy!
CUT TO:
EXT. ARCHIVAL BUILDING. DAY.
MCU of Brandur, papers stuffed under his arm, frantically trying to unlock his bicycle.
BRANDUR
Come on, come on! Goddamn waste of time, having to lock your bike in this…
Pan up as he straightens to reveal the top of the bike. The seat has been stolen.
BRANDUR
Oh, no, not again. Don’t those kids know you are a police bike?
CUT TO:
EXT. POLICE HQ. DAY.
MS of Brandur entering the shot on his bicycle, surprising two police guards stationed on either side of the steps.
BRANDUR
(To Guard.) Help me up. Quick…the Inspector…Help me…Pull!
The guards take Brandur under his arms and yank him up. We hear a “POP” as we see the bicycle seat shaft appear where his ass was.
CUT TO:
INT. KVIST’S OFFICE. DAY.
MS,OS, of Kvist at his desk, inspecting a photo of a nude girl in the Extra Bladet. The door opposite bursts open and Brandur runs in waving some paper.
BRANDUR
(Running straight to Kvist’s desk.) Inspector! I’ve found it! (Grabbing his ass in a sudden spasm of agony.) Ahhh!
KVIST
Goddamnit, Brandur, I knew you were stupid, but you mean it took thirty years to find your own ass?
BRANDUR
No…In the archives! The Polacks, sir. I know how they got here!
CUT TO:
Reverse MCU of Kvist as he grabs the papers.
KVIST
(Looking through the papers.) What the hell are you talking about? That man Poulsen is up to his neck in the Massacre and nobody, nobody makes the Danish police look like fools! –Holy shit! (He puts his cigar in his mouth backwards and recoils. As Kvist hops around in pain his desk telephone starts ringing.)
BRANDUR
It’s true! We’ve got a fix on the wrong Poulsen! They’re the right Polacks, but it’s the wrong Poulsen!
Kvist motions for Brandur to get the phone.
BRANDUR
Kvist’s office. Yes…no…maybe…
KVIST
(Grabbing the phone.) Kvist! Where? Get everyone in the area and get that lunatic off the streets! (He slams down the receiver and struggles with his coat. To Brandur.) They found him. Explain it to me on the way! If you’re wrong I’ll murder you myself and throw you in to rot with the rest of them!
CUT TO:
EXT. WIDE CITY STREET. DAY.
Cue music: Instrumental intro to “St. James’ Infirmary” (Cab Calloway version)
In a LS, from around a corner a procession of New Orleans style jazz musicians slowly approaches. Led by the bass drum, they are marching exactly as one sees at a New Orleans jazz funeral. Perhaps one hundred residents of the neighborhood follow. Nadine and Mette are in the middle of the band. Next to appear after the musicians is a group of pallbearers carrying a coffin. The ethnic mix of the mourners is all over the human spectrum, many of them in full Mardi Gras costumes. An unusual number of polser wagons line the sides of the street. Nadine begins to wail out the first verse of the song.
CUT TO:
MCU, tracked from the front, of Nadine and Mette surrounded by solemn-faced residents. Nadine sings the song as the others provide the traditional moaning chorus.
CUT TO:
INT. COFFIN. DAY.
ECU, OS, of Shakes and Morten peering out of a crack. Shakes’ head is slightly higher than Morten’s.
SHAKES
Can you see through the crowd?
MORTEN
I think he’s out there. I smell polsers pretty strong.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET. DAY.
MLS of the procession. Polser wagons line the sidewalks.
CUT TO:
CU of Mofo watching the procession.
CUT TO:
CU of Nadine singing emotionally.
CUT TO:
CU of Henrik watching the procession.
CUT TO:
Slow pan around faces of the mourners as they wail and march past.
CUT TO:
CU (from ext.) of Shakes and Morten peeking out through the lid of the coffin.
MORTEN
I see him! Mofo!
SHAKES
HEY! FUCK YOU!
MORTEN
(Frantic.) What are you doing? He’ll kill us!
SHAKES
(Trying to twist for a look down the length of his body.) Not him! Morten!
MORTEN
What?!?
SHAKES
Not you! Morten Jr!
CUT TO:
INT. COFFIN. DAY.
CU of Morten Jr. humping the back of Shakes.
SHAKES
(Off.) Shit, man. Get him off me!
CUT TO:
MLS, From above, of the procession. The coffin lid bounces up and down in a clear rhythm.
CUT TO:
INT. CAR. DAY.
MCU 2S of Brandur driving maniacally and Kvist being slammed around. Funeral music still heard, off. Foreground noise is police sirens and tire screeches.
BRANDUR
Did you ever like Woody Woodpecker? –Not the drawings. I mean as a moral character…
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET. DAY.
CU of Mofo watching the procession. The song pauses for four quick beats. He registers sudden suspicion.
CUT TO:
CU, from above, of trumpet player. He swings up his horn and blow a riff in double-time.
CUT TO:
MS of the band, Nadine and Mette. The band kicks back into the song in double-time.
CUT TO:
MLS of the Procession. Everyone is now dancing wildly. The band swings like maniacs. Nadine rips up the song verses.
CUT TO:
Police car tearing around a corner. Music still heard off.
CUT TO:
Henrik enveloped by the dancing mourners. The coffin passes with the lid bouncing up and down. Henrik begins to show enjoyment.
CUT TO:
Police cars peeling down a street past the camera.
CUT TO:
MS of Mofo standing on the polser wagon counter as he is swamped by the mourners. He focuses suddenly on the coffin as it nears him, the lid bouncing up and down.
SHAKES
(From inside the passing coffin.) …Goddamn ugly piece of shit!
CUT TO:
CU of Mofo yelling into a mobile phone and gesturing over the crowd.
CUT TO:
CU of polser wagon from slight angle as the front flap flies up, revealing armed men inside.
CUT TO:
CU of polser wagon from opposite angle as the front flap flies up, revealing armed men inside.
CUT TO:
CU of polser wagon as the front flap flies up and two of Mofo’s men slam a gattling gun into position.
CUT TO:
CU of Mofo pulling up a huge machine gun and aiming it into the crowd.
CUT TO:
MS of many police cars angling to a sudden stop.
CUT TO:
ECU of Kvist’s face hitting the windshield.
CUT TO:
MS of Nadine leading the band and the mourners. Rapid gunfire rings out and everyone screams.
CUT TO:
CU of Mofo, laughing and firing the machine gun.
CUT TO:
MS of the mourners screaming, ducking and scattering.
CUT TO:
MS, high angle, of Kvist and Brandur falling out of their car doors. Other policemen fall out besides them as bullet tear up the cars and the ground around them.
KVIST:
What the hell is going on here?
CUT TO:
MCU of Kvist on the ground by the car as Brandur crawls quickly to his side.
BRANDUR
Indians, sir! They’re on parade!
KVIST
Parade my ass! It’s another massacre! (To the other policemen.) Stay down! You! Go in fast! Take them out, now! And for god’s sake watch the crowd!
CUT TO:
MS of the crowd screaming and running in mad circles, surrounded by gunfire..
CUT TO:
MCU of Kvist and Brandur. Kvist flattens himself as Brandur spins around firing randomly as though the pistol were leading him.
CUT TO:
MCU of members of the procession screaming.
CUT TO:
MCU, from above, of Mofo’s thugs firing.
CUT TO:
MCU of policemen running and rolling forwards.
CUT TO:
CU of Mofo firing.
CUT TO:
MS of Kvist and Brandur running in a crouch through the crowd.
CUT TO:
MS of policemen laying down massive covering fire from behind their cars.
CUT TO:
MCU of the crowd going wild. The pallbearers drop the coffin with a loud crash.
CUT TO:
MCU of policemen crouched against a polser wagon, firing upwards.
CUT TO:
CU of ketchup bottles exploding.
CUT TO:
MCU of Mofo’s thugs being splattered with ketchup and screaming.
CUT TO:
CU of Shakes, on the ground, face to face with Morten and surrounded by feet running in all directions.
MORTEN
(Yelling.) What did you do now?!
SHAKES
(Yelling.) The dog! It’s probably everyone who wants to kill your dog!
CUT TO:
MS, from ground level, of Kvist and Brandur against the bottom of a polser wagon. They are firing upwards. Brandur is crying hysterically. Ketchup splatters all around and over them.
CUT TO:
MCU of policemen against the bottom of a polser wagon. Some are shooting upwards. Others are lying and screaming, holding strings of sausages which have fallen onto the stomachs.
CUT TO:
MCU of Mofo firing madly, Henrik screaming and firing beside him.
CUT TO:
MCU of Mofo’s thugs firing and screaming as ketchup bottles explode all over them.
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes and Morten wincing at the gunfire.
SHAKES
Get to the wagon! Get to the wagon!
The camera lifts as they rise and make an insane series of serpentine loops, running through the chaos and, finally, away from the camera to a polser wagon where a couple of dead thugs are draped over the counter. NB: This is “Wagon 1.” This, as well as “Wagon 2” and “Wagon 3,” have three-wheel motorbikes attached to the front for driving.
CUT TO:
MS of Mofo firing. He jerks to attention as he spots Shakes running.
MOFO
(To Henrik.) Shakes! Get him alive! Get him alive! Shoot someone else!
CUT TO:
MS of Shakes and Morten running for the motorbike attached to Wagon 1. They run towards the camera and leap onto the bike. Morten in front, tries to start the engine, finally succeeds, and they drive away past the camera, which shows the dead thugs falling out of the wagon.
Cue Music (James Brown: “Bring It Up.”) and
CUT TO:
MS of Kvist and Brandur against the bottom of a polser wagon, firing away. Kvist notices Shakes and Morten driving off. Then the door to the wagon opens and Mofo runs out, serpentining around to the motorbike at the front.
CUT TO:
CU of Kvist and Brandur..
KVIST
(Double-take.) It’s Mofo! Fuck1 He’s getting away!
BRANDUR
Thank God!
KVIST
After him, you arctic monkey!
They rattle themselves up and run towards a different polser wagon (Wagon 3.)
CUT TO:
MCU of Mofo, looking crazed, as he revs up the engine of Wagon 2 and drives forward. The camera pulls out as he exits the shot and drives away, Henrik halfway out the wagon opening and screeching.
NB: What follows is the slowest chase scene in cinematic history.
CUT TO:
MS of Wagon 1. Morten drives while Shakes holds on behind him. As they drive on, a jogger overtakes them.
SHAKES
Move, man! Put this mother in gear!
CUT TO:
MCU of Wagon 2. Mofo fires some shots around as he drives towards, then past the camera, Henrik screeching and firing from inside the opening as it passes.
CUT TO:
MS of Wagon 3. Kvist is hammering on Brandur’s back. Shakes’ kids are rampaging inside and people are dancing on the top of the wagon. The people on the street cheer as it passes by.
CUT TO:
LS, high angle, of the three polser wagons puttering along. Passersby stroll past them easily.
CUT TO:
CU of Brandur and Kvist on Wagon 3.
KVIST
They’re headed for the warehouses!
BRANDUR
That’s ok, sir, I know a short-cut!
CUT TO:
CU of Mofo on Wagon 2 He fires some shots.
CUT TO:
CU of Shakes and Morten on Wagon 1. Shots whiz past them.
MORTEN
Where’s forth gear? I can’t find forth gear!
SHAKE
Turn here! Turn!
CUT TO:
MCU of Henrik leaning out of wagon 2.
HENRIK
Neeneeneeneee. (He fires some wild shots.)
CUT TO:
MCU of Mofo
MOFO
(Ducking some of Henrik’s shots, then turning to look back at him.) You parboiled prawn! (He fires some shots back at Henrik.)
CUT TO:
CU of Morten and Shakes on Wagon 1. Their eyes jerk wide open.
CUT TO:
MS of a man pulling a camel.
CUT TO:
MS of Wagon 1 swerving to avoid crashing into the camel.
CUT TO:
MCU of Wagon 1
SHAKES
Goddamnit, Morten, give me that wheel! (He scrambles forward and sits on Morten’s head.)
CUT TO:
MS of Wagon 3 reappearing on the same crossing as before.
BRANDUR
(Happily surprised.) Hey! We’re back!
CUT TO:
MS of Wagon 2. Mofo leaning forward. Pull out slightly as the wagon arcs back in a big wheelie, Henrik screaming and hanging on for dear life.
CUT TO:
MCU of Wagon 1. Shakes completely obliterating Morten’s head as he sit on top of him struggling to pry Morten’s hands off of the steering wheel.
SHAKES
Morten! Let go of the wheel!
CUT TO:
MS of Wagon 3, with all the celebrants aboard, reappearing on the same crossing as before.
KVIST
Will you please stop taking us in circles!
BRANDUR
It must be the steering, sir!
CUT TO:
MCU of Wagon 2. Mofo is grinning madly and firing shots.
CUT TO:
MS of Wagon 1 as Shakes struggles to pry Morten’s hands off the wheel. It veers towards the camera, then off, towards a brick building.
SHAKES
I’m not joking any more, Morten! –Whoashit, watch the building!
CUT TO:
MS from Shakes’ POV. A large brick wall coming closer.
CUT TO:
MS of Wagon 1. It describes a wild curve and crashes directly into the brick wall. NB: This shot ONLY is speeded up.
CUT TO:
MS, worms eye, of the wall crumbling and several bricks tumbling down straight towards the camera. NB: This shot ONLY is in slow-motion.
DISSOLVE TO:
MS, from above. Everything is misty and soft focus around the edges. A female voice off, slightly distorted, repeats the word “Morten” throughout the shot. A burbling Baby Morten –dressed only in a diaper—cheerfully runs, or rather totters, forwards to the camera just as a pair of female hands lowers a large white birthday cake with one candle (Or a Danish flag) on to the ground in the extreme foreground of the shot. As he arrives at the cake Baby Morten trips and falls face-down into the cake.
DISSOLVE TO:
MS, from above. Everything is misty and soft focus around the edges. A female voice off, slightly distorted, repeats the word “Shakes” throughout the shot. A burbling Baby Shakes –dressed only in a diaper—sits on the ground with a pint bottle of bourbon, staring up at a large white birthday cake with one candle. A naked woman pops out of the cake, much to Baby Shakes’ delight. The woman exits the shot as another naked woman pops up out of the cake. This second one exits the shot and the process is repeated rapidly like clowns pouring out of a circus car. Baby Shakes takes a hit off the bottle, says “Whoashit,” belches and grins. Finally, a naked woman’s shaking buttocks approach him and completely cover his head.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MOFO’S WAREHOUSE. DAY.
CU of Shakes and Morten awakening with a yelp to the sound of a metal door rolling shut.
CUT TO:
CU of MOFO, from below.
MOFO
Was that your lives flashing before your eyes? I’ll bet it was moronic. Wasn’t it?
CUT TO:
MLS of the warehouse interior, huge and ominous. Polser wagons are parked around, some up on lifts for repairs. Enormous cutlets and endless strings of sausages hang from the evil-looking hooks in the ceiling beams. The entire space is festooned with sausages and cadavers. Shakes and Morten are collapsed beside each other on the floor. Mofo is just rising from having been crouched over them in the previous shot. Henrik and a few other polser-henchmen are arrayed around the three of them. A large desk, some filing cabinets and a wooden chair are behind Mofo.. The camera circles around the group, moving in.
MOFO
…And, sad to say, pointless, since that is the full extent of any memory you will have formed in your earthly passage. I, on the other hand, will have to live on through the years suffering from the anger you have set burning inside me. This is unfair. You swindled me, Shakes. You gorged yourself on my provender and then belched in the face of all responsibility and respect. It was worse than criminal. It was emotional rape! –I trusted you like a funny-looking son.
MORTEN
(Looking at Mofo and Shakes.) Son?…
SHAKES
(To Morten.) Shut up, cake-head!
Morten bristles at the insult, but is immediately distracted by Henrik and others wrapping ropes of sausages (serving as nooses.) around his and Shakes’ necks.
SHAKES
Mofo, listen to me. I never did shit to you, man. I just got busy and spaced some things out is all. You know how it is…I just kinda forgot about that money deal…
CUT TO:
MCU of Mofo.
MOFO
What do you mean, you forgot it! I sent you out to collect a full weeks take and you can’t even remember your responsibilities for half a day?! What the hell did you do? –Where in the name of all you treasure is my fucking money?!
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes.
SHAKES
I don’t know, I been drinking. Wait a minute! I know! I dropped it at some titty bar!
CUT TO:
MCU of Mofo.
MOFO
Hmmm. Well, maybe I should go there and take in some of the splendors. –Treat you pretty good there?
CUT TO:
CU of Shakes.
SHAKES
Yeah, I guess so.
CUT TO:
CU of Mofo.
MOFO
Hang them up!
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes and Morten as the henchmen fix their nooses.
MORTEN
No!
SHAKES
Wait! Wait! –Listen! I can get you your money. I got a scheme, man…
CUT TO:
MS of Mofo, playing with a meat ax. The camera slowly comes in as he approaches Shakes and Morten, and follows him as he walks around them.
MOFO
So do I. So do I, Shakes. It’s an elegant scheme, mine is. It has everything; action, noise, compositional audacity, and vivid, vivid color. High art. But: can art be destructive, you ask? Well, yes, we could say that all creation is predicated on destruction.
MORTEN
You crazy sadist!
Shakes tries to stop Morten from antagonizing Mofo any further.
MOFO
Or the contrary. Dealing with your friend Shakes has been, on my part, an exercise in pure masochism. Hmmm. And yet, if masochism is in fact the fundamental embryo of sadism, what precisely does that make me?
HENRIK
Neeneenee. Neenee.
MOFO
Thankyou, Henrik. But if that is correct, then it would follow that…
CUT TO:
CU of Shakes and Morten. Morten sticks his face forward and yells:
MORTEN
You ugly tapeworm! I’ll…
SHAKES
(Trying to shut Morten up.) I can get the bread! It’s in my hands! –Couple of hours, man, it’ll happen. Come on, Mofo, work with me! Work with me, man!
CUT TO:
MCU of Mofo.
MOFO
I will work with you. I will re-shape you entirely. First I will hang you. I want you to feel the agony of utter helplessness, just as I did. Then (Slamming the cleaver into the table.) I’ll CUT YOUR FUCKING HEART OUT! You will beg for forgiveness while I slice you to ribbons. Your useless life will fly away from the earth and eventually I will feel happy and carefree again, rebuilding everything with the equanimity I so cherish.–And it is thus that our little world will once again be calm and ordered. (He nods to himself thoughtfully and lowers himself into the chair behind him. The instant he is in the chair it breaks apart and he crashes to the floor. Almost simultaneously he scrambles back up.) Up! Up! String them up!
CUT TO:
MCU of Henrik and other thugs jerking down on their ropes of sausage.
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes and Morton flying straight up until they bang their heads on the overhead girder, then drop a bit lower, frantically clutching at their throats and choking.
CUT TO:
MCU of Mofo as he looks up. Half of Shakes’ and Morten’s bodies are in the shot, squirming. They can be heard squealing.
MOFO
Whew! I feel better already. (Taking a cigarette from a pack, he puts it in his mouth, then reads the warning printed on the package.) ‘Can cause a slow and painful death.’ –It’s amazing how the modern mind constantly finds inspiration in the commercial culture.
CUT TO:
MCU, from slightly below, of Shakes and Morten strangling and clutching at their necks.
SHAKES
Goddamn you, Morten! Why’d you have to go and piss him off?
MORTEN
You pissed him off! You piss everyone off! …Agghh!…Can’t you ever say you’re sorry?
SHAKES
Yeah? Well how bout I’m sorry I ever met some idiot like you, come wreck my life and could’ve got us killed?
MORTEN
Me! What do you call this?
SHAKES
Agh…goddamn stupid trailer trash …probably can’t even find what hole to put his dick in…
MORTEN
Hey! I fuck like a porn star!
SHAKES
Yeah, by yourself! All you ever been good for is kickin fuckin chicken!
Morten’s face expands in fury, then he launches a right roundhouse punch at Shakes. Shakes, livid, kicks Morten. The both of them now swing and kick wildly and ineptly, yelling and grunting with the effort. After a bit of this, we:
CUT TO:
ECU of Mofo, deadpan, watching Shakes and Morten in disbelief.
CUT TO:
MS of Shakes and Morten struggling, Mofo standing near. The warehouse door rattles up and Pogo sticks himself through it.
POGO
Yo, Shakes, mon. How you doing this fine day?
CUT TO:
MS of all, as Pogo saunters in.
HENRIK
(Annoyed at the intrusion.) Neeeneeeneeeneee!
MOFO
Who are you?!
POGO
Pleasure, Mon. But, hey, Shakes: you been enjoying the tv just now?
CUT TO:
ECU of Shakes, strangling.
SHAKES
Do I look like I’m enjoying tv?
CUT TO:
MS of Pogo, with Morten and Shakes hanging.
POGO
(Pointing towards Morten.) Because that house in Amager we insured is on fire.
CUT TO:
CU of Shakes.
SHAKES
What! (Throwing a look at his watch.) Already?
CUT TO:
MCU of Mofo, with Henrik behind him.
MOFO
What the fuck are you doing here?!
CUT TO:
MCU of Pogo, with Shakes’ and Morten’s kicking legs behind him.
POGO
I came to see if you wanted a coffin.
CUT TO:
MCU of Mofo.
MOFO
A coffin?!
CUT TO:
MCU of Pogo.
POGO
That’s right. Somebody’s supposed to die, right? So I figured you’ll need…
CUT TO:
CU of Mofo.
MOFO
What! You invade my sanctum to try to sell me a coffin?!
CUT TO:
CU of Pogo, grinning.
POGO
Well, no. I ain’t exactly selling anything. ‘Less you desire to purchase some insurance. (He pulls out some papers.)
CUT TO:
CU, from below, of Shakes and Morten choking.
SHAKES
Aagghhhh1 Pogo!
CUT TO:
MS of Mofo, Pogo and Henrik. Shakes and Morten dangle from above.
MOFO
You mean it’s free? (He claps and rubs his hands in eagerness.)
POGO
Irrefragably. With the sole provision that you let me do my party yell.
MOFO
What?! Get the hell…
HENRIK
Neenee. (Clearly indicating that he wants to hear it. The other thugs also show that they want to hear it.)
MOFO
What! Oh, alright. Since Henrik here wishes it…
Pogo takes a deep breath, swelling his chest up hugely as the others watch.
CUT TO:
CU of Pogo. Just as he opens his mouth, we Cue music (James Brown: “Bring It Up.”) coming in exactly on the James Brown scream from the middle bridge of the song.
CUT TO:
CU of a metal warehouse door whipping up.
CUT TO:
CU of Mofo, Henrik, and other thugs looking surprised.
CUT TO:
MS towards the open warehouse door. A mass of people in Mardi Gras outfits run screaming in endlessly, pouring past and around the camera.
NB: The remainder of this scene is so rapid that it may be itemized as a montage sequence. To wit:
Brandur, driving Kvist, enters on Wagon 3 with the Mardi Gras dancers still cavorting on the top.
A horde of Wild Tchapatoulas swarm a group of Mofo’s terrified henchmen.
Dancing mourners and the pallbearers enter carrying the coffin.
The band enters, surrounded by Nadine, Mette, and the now red-hot gospel choir.
Shakes’ kids come running, screaming “Meat! Meat! Meat!”
Mofo and Henrik lunge for their guns on the desk.
Some Wild Tchapatoulas flip the desk up and over.
Brandur whips out his pistol.
Kvist yells “NO!” and throws himself on Brandur’s arm. They struggle.
Kids with huge salamis beating Shakes and Morten like piñatas, chanting “Meat! Meat!” etc.
Mette bites the ear of one of Mofo’s henchmen.
Mofo grabs the meat ax.
Kvist and Brandur struggling.
Henrik runs from Nadine and the gospel choir
Henrik stops as he comes face-to-face with a camel.
Dancers dancing on top of Wagon 3.
Kids beating Shakes and Morten.
Pogo looking around and grinning widely.
Kvist and Brandur struggling. Brandur fires several shots.
CU of Brandur’s bullet hitting the ceiling girder and slicing though the sausage strands holding Shakes and Morten.
Shakes and Morten fall fast and obviously painfully.
Mofo waving the meat ax at Mette.
Nadine making voodoo gestures at a paralyzed Henrik.
Kvist and Brandur struggling. Brandur fires more shots.
Kid slugs one of Mofo’s henchmen in the testicles.
Mette opening her tiny handbag.
Nadine and Henrik:
NADINE
(Making voodoo spell gestures at Henrik.) In the name of mighty Pompagieria, I command you…to…turn…to…shit! (A brief flash from where Henrik is, then:)
CUT TO:
CU of one of Henrik’s shoes and his piece of scalp lying next to a steaming pile of shit. Morten Jr. runs up quickly to smell it.
Kvist and Brandur struggling. Brandur fires more shots.
Shakes and Morten weeping and helping each other up.
Ajax fires up the big stun gun.
Wild Tchapatoulas tossing Mofo’s henchmen into Wagon 3. The dancers on top continue dancing.
Mette pulls a HUGE long-barreled .45 pistol from her handbag and shoves it into Mofo’s face:
METTE
Fuck you, Jack! –I’m pickin feet!
Tchapatoulas running amok around Mofo and Mette. Ajax bursts forward from the crowd and shoves the stun gun into Mofo’s groin.
Mofo’s hair and eyes shoots out as he glows and vibrates.
Pogo kicks the coffin into the back of Mofo’s knees.
Mofo falls, face up, into the open coffin.
End Music and Montage sequence.
CUT TO:
MCU of Kvist and Brandur, exhausted. Brandur clicks his empty gun a few times.
BRANDUR
…Let me go…let me…ohhh
Kvist pushes Brandur away and staggers slowly out of the shot, towards Mofo.
PAN TO:
The Wild Tchapatoulas shove the last of Mofo’s men into Wagon 3 and slam the door shut. We see through the front window flap that the wagon is full.
Continue the pan to show the crowd more or less celebrating around the warehouse, until we land on the group around the coffin.
NADINE
Where the hell is that good for nothing, ho-slamming…
SHAKES
(Off.) Help me, woman…
CUT TO:
MS of Shakes and Morten trying to stand. Nadine and Mette come through the crowd to them. Mette pushes forward and drops to Morten’s side, the camera staying on her. Trying to cradle Morten, she sticks her .45 against his head.
METTE
Oh, my god, honey! Let me help you. Are you okay?
CUT TO:
CU, 2S, from floor level, of Shakes and Morten. Morten is somewhat forward.
MORTEN
(Panting. Crouched on the floor. He pushes the .45 away.) I…ack…I’m alive! (Slight laugh. Then, to Shakes.) You didn’t kill me…
SHAKES
(Panting. Crouched on the floor.) No, man…I…ack…ain’t killed nobody yet…
CUT TO:
CU, worms eye, of Morten as he rises to his knees and throws his arms in the air.)
MORTEN
I’M ALIVE!
CUT TO:
CU, from slightly above, of Shakes as he tries to raise himself up.)
SHAKES
Yeah. (Slight laugh.) We made it…
CUT TO:
CU, 2S, of Shakes and Morten.
MORTEN
(Dropping to Shakes’ side. He Laughs.) Alive! (Laughs.)
Shakes begins to laugh, painfully at first. Morten laughs and slaps Shakes’ back. Now both of them are laughing Camera comes in on them slowly.
SHAKES AND MORTEN
(Laughing, coughing, and pounding each others’ backs.) Alive!
They continue laughing.
CUT TO:
MCU of Kvist standing over Mofo and looking fed up. Brandur enters the shot.
BRANDUR
Brilliant work, sir! What a day! Let’s go grab a hot dog.
Kvist suddenly rounds on Brandur and shoves a gun under his nose.
CUT TO:
CU of Kvist and Brandur.
KVIST
Goddamn you, Brandur, I’m telling you for the last time, never speak directly in my presence again! Is that clear?!
Brandur, terrified, nods and squeaks.
KVIST
WHAT?
Brandur attempts several ghastly faces to indicate agreement.
KVIST
WHAT?
More desperately atrocious faces from Brandur. Finally, Kvist hurls Brandur out of the shot, then turns.
CUT TO:
MS of Kvist, standing over Mofo, surrounded by the others, who remain wisely silent.
KVIST
(Indicating Mofo) Arrest this man. This entire operation is a federal health violation. (He slams down the lid of the coffin.)
CUT TO:
Black. Then:
CUT TO:
INT. POLICE HQ. DAY.
CU of Kvist seated at his desk.
KVIST
Happy endings are for idiots and idiots only. You feel much like an idiot, Morten?
CUT TO:
Reverse MCU of Morten looking uncomfortable.
KVIST
(Off.) Because I’m here to welcome you to the ranks. How many generations of Poulsens have been idiots? Well, our records don’t go that far back.
CUT TO:
MS of Kvist with Morten and Mette holding hands, seated across the desk from them. Morten Jr is on Mette’s lap.
KVIST
But the facts show that you are indisputably the luckiest idiot in Denmark. It seems I have, by my association with you, been pursuing some sort of sick joke. –But then, the life of a Poulsen appears to be nothing more than one staggering sick joke.
MORTEN
(Thoughtfully.) That’s true. (Mette smiles and pats Morten on the knee proudly.)
KVIST
And yet, I have wasted my time and countless man-hours chasing you around the city trying to clamp justice down over the stench of a horrible crime…
MORTEN
It wasn’t me…it…
KVIST
Your grandfather, then. (Pulling some papers closer.)
CUT TO:
MCU of Kvist’s hand turning a document around and laying it forward towards where Morten is seated. We see official German Gothic script with a nazi emblem above it.
KVIST
(Off.) You know what this is, Poulsen? These documents were found in the archives relating to the German occupation.
CUT TO:
MCU of Kvist at his desk, from Morten’s POV.
KVIST
My assistant found them by sheer luck. Taken together they tell the story of just such a sick joke. This (Waving a paper threateningly.) is the key document. What we have here is…
From below the desk, between Kvist’s legs, a hand puppet pops up and continues the speech. The puppet is outfitted like a policeman and it speaks in Brandur’s voice.
BRANDUR
…A requisition from the Nazi gauleiter in Copenhagen to Mads Poulsen, your simian progenitor, for slave laborers. This evil grandfather was a collaborator of the lowest kind. Oh, yes; low in mind, but high up in the parasitical order. Because Grandpa Poulsen schemed and connived to milk the situation for everything he could get. In fact, Grandpa Poulsen was a festering pustule on the face of decent Danish society.
CUT TO:
CU of Morten, Mette and Morten jr. wide-eyed, staring silently.
BRANDUR
(Off.) By making himself indispensable –or so he figured—to the Reichsministry of Economics, he exploited both the native citizens and the Nazis. Until word of his repellent personality eventually got out.
CUT TO:
MCU of Kvist at his desk and the puppet still between his legs.
BRANDUR
The occupiers needed more bodies to work around the country to feed their massive war machine. The local occupying authority turned to this sniveling jerk with increasing demands for laborers. He scented a profit in the crisis and scoured the ends of Europe for more bodies, eventually turning to shattered Poland for the human booty. But, your grandfather, being a Poulsen, the German ministry of labor shipped him bodies –dead bodies—as some sort of sick joke. Stuck with the insult he quickly decided to bury his failure, hide his shame and insulate himself from the avenging wrath of the coming Allied juggernaut. All this just incidentally dumping the entire Katyn Forest Massacre ON MY DESK!
Kvist now kicks very hard beneath the desk. The puppet jerks to a standstill, says: “Ooooonghf,” then slowly folds down out of sight.
KVIST
I’ve had enough! From all of you! No longer will I allow this mockery of all I’ve ever stood for! Innocent! Guilty! What do I care? Just leave me in peace! Get out, every peanut-headed one of you! I’m through! (To his crotch.) You! Back to that Danish gulag for life! Do you hear me? And you! You…you…Poulsens! You have wrecked my career and I am letting you go. Go, to wreak havoc on other decent men. You will leave and stay out of my sight. You will walk out of this office and never return…And if I ever see you again in any official capacity I will tear the skin off your bodies with my bare teeth and jump on your heads until they crunch like melons!
CUT TO:
CU of Morten, Mette and Morten Jr. from Kvist’s POV.
MORTEN
And we really want to thank you! For every…Thank you…for…ahh, thank you…for…well, um, really , for all that…for…
METTE
Just what exactly is it that you people do, anyway?
CUT TO:
INT. PERNILLE’S (Formerly Khalid’s) BAR. DAY.
CU of Shakes and Pernille making out on the pool table.
SHAKES
Hothothothot…
PERNILLE
Oh, Shakes! What am I going to do?
SHAKES
Hell! You don’t know? Okay, Baby, I’ll show you again.
PERNILLE
I mean with this bar.
SHAKES
Honey, you do the thinking. Let me do the drinking. Right now Shakes gonna shake you and quake you and finally housebreak you…Eight ball center pocket!
Pernille squeals in delight.
Pull out to show Khalid’s body lying on the pool table besides them.
SHAKES
Hothothot…
CUT TO:
EXT. SHAKES’ FLAT. DAY.
MCU, ¾ angle, of Pogo on the front step, just as Nadine yanks open the door. She is surrounded by children.
NADINE
What you want?!
POGO
Afternoon, Miss Nadine, maam. Shakes around?
NADINE
No he ain’t, which is goddamn lucky for him!
CUT TO:
CU of Pogo
POGO
Well, now, I’m sorry to hear that, because I have this imponderably sizable settlement check from the insurance folks, and we gonna need his co-signature just here.
CUT TO:
CU of Nadine
NADINE
Check?! Hmmph. –You know, you kinda cute. (Yanking Pogo inside.) Why don’t you get on in here…
Nadine slams the door shut. From inside we hear the gleeful kids singing “Motherfucker! Motherfucker! Motherfucker!”
CUT TO:
INT. TELEVISION STUDIO. NIGHT.
CU of a man and a woman’s faces, intense and impassioned. Loud, schmaltzy disco music. Both the faces and the camera spin, revealing a battery of garish lights and textiles around them.
CUT TO:
MS of the couple as they suddenly stop spinning and freeze into a pose; the man bending over the woman, the woman with her leg extended high over the man’s shoulder. Music stops and we hear applause.
CUT TO:
MS of Host and Hostess smiling enormously and applauding. The Host is elfin and has three nostrils. The Hostess is glamorous but has only one breast. As they speak and walk forward, we pull out and lead them until they reach the dancers. By now we reveal them on a very elaborate television sound stage with cameras rolling around. In one angle sit a group of judges. In another sit other dance contestant couples, all fantastically dressed. The Host and Hostess speak directly to the camera.
HOST
Fantastic! Absolutely breathtaking!
HOSTESS
What a night, eh, people? That was the Barfouds, just possibly stealing the show! What finesse! What unbridled human energy…
CUT TO:
Reverse shot of the studio audience, all delighted and well-dressed. In the front row sits Shakes, surrounded by his family. They are dressed as always and quite active. Shakes is holding a mammoth bucket of KFC fried chicken. As he munches on a leg, the kids squirm and fight.
HOSTESS
(Off.) …and perfect timing. And what a wonderful audience here tonight watching “Flaming Assholes”…
HOST
(Off.) The crème de la crème, elegant, sophisticated, and completely mesmerized by…
CUT TO:
MCU of Host and Hostess.
HOST
…the competition here, folks! (To Hostess.) What do you think, Stine, can life get any more exciting than this?
HOSTESS
No way, Slobber. After one whole year of eliminations we still don’t know who will dance away with the million kroner prize! (Clutching Host.) Oh my god, I’m vibrating!
HOST
And I love to see it!
CUT TO:
MCU of Morten and Mette, nervously adjusting each other’s dance-competition costumes.
HOST
(Off.) …Because wild vibrations are what we’re all here for tonight. And you can bet…
CUT TO:
MS of stage set. Host and Hostess still center.
HOST
…that our final contestants are just as pumped up as you are!
HOSTESS
But now we’re approaching the climax, my friends. For one long, brutal year the six couples present have twisted, shouted and sweated their way to the finish line. And now they face the moment of destiny. Who, of all these stratospherically talented dancers, will win tonight?
HOST
We shall see! We shall see! We almost can’t look, but we must!
HOSTESS
Hush, now, Slobber. Take a deep breath. Because you know the deciding moment is upon us; The final couple, ladies and gentlemen: I give you Morten and Mette Poulsen!
Everyone on the set applauds as Morten and Mette stand up and approach the center. During the noisy applause the Host and Hostess pantomime congratulations and best wishes for them, then gracefully slide out of the shot as we zoom in slowly on Morten and Mette. A moment’s silence as the applause dies down and. Morten chickens his neck and Mette clears her throat.
CUT TO:
MCU of Morten and Mette. Cue music (wild salsa, loud and fast.) Morten grabs Mette and spins her completely around.
CUT TO:
MS of Morten and Mette from back wall of set. They strut and writhe together with the stage lights burning into the shot.
CUT TO:
Overhead shot of Morten and Mette as they crash their groins together and fling their heads and torsos back, then spin apart.
CUT TO:
MCU, from below, of Morten and Mette spinning together, then stepping forward.
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes, enjoying the show and eating fried chicken. Leon reaches over, grabs a huge chicken breast out of the KFC bucket and crams the whole thing in his mouth.
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes and Leon, angled from Leon’s side.
SHAKES
Hey! You little pig! Put that back… (He wallops Leon on the back of the head. Leon chokes forward and the whole chicken breast flies out of his mouth, forwards, slightly upwards, and out of the shot.)
CUT TO:
MS of Morten in the process of executing a marvelous step. The chicken breast lands on the stage a split second before his foot comes down. He trods on it and slips.
The rest of the dance sequence lasts as long as the song. From Morten’s first slip he and Mette slide and crash uninterruptedly, each accident leading precisely to the next in a perfect Rube Goldberg construction. Each effort to recover thus manifests itself as an even greater disaster, destroying their costumes and almost the whole set. The calamities become worse at every step, until we build the brutal mishaps, one upon the other, in an unbearably mounting tempo. At one point Mette is dancing –or flailing—so hard that her underwear shoot off into the audience. The length of the disaster (IE the length of the song, a full minute and a half.) adds the final touch to the unbearable absurdity. NB: This sequence, as regards both the actors and the camera shots MUST be developed on the set.
Dance music ends. Morten and Mette, in tatters, tried to hold themselves up in an approximation of their planned final pose. They are heaving as though they had just run forty kilometers, yet some small part of their minds is clearly awaiting the judgement: ‘How did we do?’ The set is dead silent.
CUT TO:
MS as we pan slowly around the stunned faces of the judges, the Host and Hostess and the other hopeful contestants. Continue pan to sweep over the studio audience, their mouths hanging open in pure shock. As we reach the center of the audience we hear:
SHAKES
(Off.) Fuck YEAH! (Now leaping up into the shot and punching the air.) Hooooowee! Fuck yeah! That’s what I’m talking about!
CUT TO:
MCU of Morten and Mette. Morten is thinking: “That goddamn Shakes!”
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes and his family leaping around and yelling wildly.
CUT TO:
- Slow pan across the shocked faces of the studio audience. The look at each other, confused, then, as the Shakes clique continues its elation, some scattered members of the audience gradually begin to applaud as well.
CUT TO:
MCU of Morten trying figure out what is happening.
CUT TO:
MCU of judges and Host and Hostess trying to figure out what is happening. They are conferring and arguing.
CUT TO
MS of studio audience, Shakes and his family still cavorting in the front. More and more people begin to applaud.
CUT TO:
MS of Morten and Mette trying to figure out what the hell is going on. Behind and around them we see the judges, contestants, Hosts arguing.
CUT TO:
MLS of entire studio audience, Shakes and co. in foreground. Pan slightly to show everyone without exception rising and thundering a standing ovation.
CUT TO:
MS of Hosts, judges, etc. arguing. The Host and Hostess wrench a huge trophy cup from the judges and head towards center stage, passing furious and weeping contestants as we pull out slightly and track them until they reach Morten and Mette. We hold amidst the uproar as they place themselves on either side of Morten and Mette with the trophy.
CUT TO:
BLACK, Then:
EXT. OCEAN. NIGHT.
MS from below of an illuminated cruise ship as it passes the camera.
CUT TO:
INT. SALON. NIGHT.
CU of a silver tray passing through a door opening away from camera. Cue music (Elegant jazz combo.). Camera tracks the tray, pulling back slightly behind as we follow a waiter OS as he carries the tray through a crowd of people, who help themselves to glasses of champagne from the tray. Camera holds as the waiter weaves off. Elegant, happy people circulate in as we boom up for a high MLS of a large, very elegant salon (columns, velvets, gilt, Louis XIV furniture, etc.). Many people in formal eveningwear are chatting delightedly as waiters glide through the crowd with champagne and canapés.
CUT TO:
ECU of Shakes, frontal. He is muttering an indistinguishable song to himself and taking swigs from a bottle of rum.
CUT TO:
MCU over the tail of a grand piano. Pan past piano player to Nadine, dressed to the nines and singing a jazzy number. The rest of the combo can be seen beside and behind her. Continue pan through elegant crowd until we come to a MCU of Morten’s smiling face, nodding and chatting in the midst of a group.
CUT TO:
MS of Morten and Mette, also in formal eveningwear, surrounded by high-society people.
MAN
Wonderful job you did on this tub. Morten, I’m delighted to be here on your maiden voyage.
HIS WIFE
Thank you SO much!
MORTEN
Well, it’s just the Danish way, isn’t it? It’s all due to hard work and an honest approach.
METTE
That’s right. You know, I’ve only bounced one check in my life, and that was to the Dalai Llama.
CUT TO:
MLS of Nadine and the combo, the happy crowd circulating around them. We realize Nadine is singing a version of “My Way.”
CUT TO:
CU of Morten and Mette, still greeting well-wishing guests.
LAUGHING MAN
Poulsen’s Liquid Danish Cruise Line will soon be sailing world-wide, you old schemer!
CUT TO:
ECU of Shakes, as before. We now realize he is riffing a version of “My Way.”
CUT TO:
MS through the crowd of a filthy ship’s captain digging away at a tureen of caviar.
CUT TO:
MS of Morten, Mette, and guests. Morten looks up accidentally in the direction of the captain.
MORTEN
Excuse me, please. Just one second. (He turns away.)
CUT TO:
MCU of captain guzzling champagne. Morten appears in the shot and lays his hand on the captain’s shoulder.
MORTEN
(Desperate undertone.) What are you doing here?
CAPTAIN
(Hesitating between a choice of food or drink.) You mean now?
MORTEN
Yes, now! Why aren’t you on the bridge? Who’s at the helm?!
CAPTAIN
Bah! You no worry bout dat. You partner, he tell me to break, he up dere now.
MORTEN
(Confused.) My partner? –Oh fuck! Nonono… (He rushes off. The captain sneezes into a punch bowl.)
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes, still singing and sipping from his bottle. We now see that he is wearing a yachting cap and is behind a ships wheel. He moves to his version of “My Way” and spins completely around in a fancy step.
CUT TO:
MS from the landing of a spiral staircase. Morten runs up into the shot, muttering “NoNoNo” and pivots out of the shot as he ascends.
CUT TO:
Same as above.
CUT TO:
Same as above.
CUT TO:
Same as above.
MORTEN
…That fucking…
CUT TO:
MCU of door just as Morten bursts in through it.
MORTEN
…SHAKES!!!!
CUT TO:
MCU of Shakes singing at the wheel just as Morten runs up beside him.
SHAKES
Hey, Motown! (He offers the bottle.)
MORTEN
(Eyes popping, aghast, pointing into camera.) Where the hell you going?????
SHAKES
(Peering into the camera, then popping his eyes.) Oh man oh man, get outta…
CUT TO:
EXT. OCEAN. NIGHT.
MLS of Morten’s cruise ship, festively lit up. All the party noises can be heard. Chopper out to profile and up, continuously, until we see the now relatively small ship alone in the dark ocean speeding directly towards an enormous iceberg. At this instant everyone can be heard singing the final two words of the song “My Way.”
CUT TO:
BLACK. Then:
Begin ending credit sequence. Cue music (James Brown: “Please Please Please.”). Roll some credits, then:
FAST FADE IN TO:
LS of almost pitch black space. Sounds of water lapping. A lighter area where the sky would be. Some reflections occasionally visible on the black water. In the background, lights forming the shape of one half of the cruise ship, its bow pointed up. A great number of indistinguishable whitish blots bob and float around. From many different directions come the sounds of choking, screaming and hysterical weeping. We periodically hear Morten’s voice, far off, gulping out Shakes’ name in anger. These sounds continue throughout the following speech.
SHAKES
(Off.) Oh, man. Look at this shit. Goddamn Danish cruise line. Huh. –And they tell you to watch your wallet! Hey, Motown! Know what? We should build us some condominiums, man! Yow, splinters! No shit, man. Condominiums. Get away from me, woman! Build em right here. Big fresh sky. Ocean side view. Time share, you know? Most of these people be goin away soon anyways. Whoashit! What was that? Was that a squirrel? Hey, Motown! They got squirrels around here? Whoashit, another one! Ace cool time shares, dig? Folks’ll freak. Fuck, man we’ll build em ourselves. Hell yeah, I can do that. –I can do anything. –For fifty bucks. –Hah!
FAST FADE OUT TO BLACK.
Cue music: Professor Longhair “Big Chief” and roll end credits.
THE END