EVERY MAN HIS OWN PLOT

c 2011 Tristan Winter

One of the ways Bismark pre-empted the surging influence of German Social Democracy, back when it appeared to be Social Democracy, was to distribute little garden plots to urban families. These gardens exist on the outskirts of towns to this day, which is what Ray Charles was singing about.

Now the nature of Teutonic nature-worship has suffered it’s most devastating defeat since Arthur ‘Bomber’ Harris serenaded the land in WWII. Cucumbers –gerkins, in German- have sent many natives to their deaths, and at least 400 to intensive care, thanks to a virulent strain of E. Coli, which sounds like a Mexican exclamation.

Industrial dectectives are swarming the land to pinpoint the source of the killer cukes, and the media is quivering with ignorant joy; the preponderance of hints lead to several Andalusian farms which shipped north fatal produce, now suspected to include lettuce and tomatoes, but the gerkins remain the center of the investigation. Russia, Belgium and other countries have embargoed both Spain and Germany and conspiracy theories are forming throughout the world. As panic spreads eastwards, new interpretations from the Pakistani ISI indicate that this is an Indo-Zionist plot. President Ahmadinejad has promised the downfall of everyone who is not insane and that any martyrs who devour these infidelities will be rewarded high above the carnal world with 70 vegans.

As near as I can understand from Spain’s defensive reports, these cucumbers were grown orgasmically. Perhaps they were engineered to compliment our dioxin pork chops. Many buck-toothed scientists say they are infected by human fecal matter (the cucumbers, not the scientists), which leads the Germans to wonder what exactly the Spaniards did with those cucumbers.

Further west, a number of true Americans are now referring to this as ‘The Rapture.’ Further south, the Patagonians have said they are ashamed to be unconnected with this sordid affair. The French have accused the International Motherfucker Fund of not being sordid enough, and Great Britain has enacted a new law ensuring its poor recieve one meat and two veg daily to make up for the Mad Cow Disease concession they lost some years back. Several contestants on news programs have questioned whether President Obama is behind a secret agenda to turn cucumbers brown. Spain has petitioned the EU for financial renumeration for its loss and human suffering (no kidding). The Germans are now reduced to buying jars of what in America are called ‘pickles.’ This has become the grossest indignity, since ‘pickle’ in German means ‘pimple,’ and they suspect an adolescent plot by the sons and daughters of the Baader-Meinhof Gang.

Eeee, coli! Who am I to say what’s really going down?