IDI AMIN’S JOURNAL IN EXILE

c 1979 Winter/Newton

Hey ther you big malfeasintz!

Ahhahahaha. That’ll teach you sum respekt!

But seriously, dear diary, Allah be praised it am bin anuther great big day in the great big impotin life of me, Idi Amin Dada, Feeled Marshall in Command of the Armed Forses an Presidint For Almost Forever of Uganda (also great Ebon Konkeror of the Brtish Empyre).

I knew this will be a eksillint day because I got very charming dream of no junior significanse this morning what sound like this:

I am run throo jungle. It am morning an steam makes rise from too many leaves to count. I am run so kwik I can laff at Mr. Kenyata hisself. Jungle too hot but I keep running, big thick pieces of sweat make down my attraktive, muscular bodi an form carpool around my remarkably intelligint jenitals. It is so hot I feel like a pig in a blanket but instead I go to Menny’s an order a kosher salaami on rye. Menny heat um up with microwave wile he recite Minihaha, so I wave back an giggle too, but he think I am make fun of him an throw me out.

Now Big Dada on my own I go for to eat some monkey skweazing but monkey not throo an I haf to eat miself. Jee now my legs is gone an I still too hungry. I got make recision kwik cause kanabill is come to finish what left of me an I crie because I skared of be eat by kanabill! Big Dada eat kwik an when kanabill get here all is left am my head. Then Menny come out an say it wam all a joke an how much tato salad I want on the side. But now it too late an kanabill laff an tell me always kwit wile Im a head. I make for mad. I trie to grow but nuthing happen an I worry I pop when Bloom I wake up on floor.

I crie an crie for the beautiful jungle of my own cuntry, I wanna go home, Detroit shur stink. O boy, ever day wake up to this goddumb partmint what smell like a corpse. Dada like it ok, cept carpit turning pretty turd like color, pee yoo!

I spray can of shave-kreem on it, heck, just change color to look like pee soop. -Remine me, I have breakfest to fill up hole in my personality. Big Dada run out of care pakije from wives in Uganda so I worry maybe ther nothing to in jest. Just the same, look in cabinets. I worry ther nuthing to eat, but Allah is nice guy, an I fine old box of Krispie Kritters!

Now me ok I like the little piece of oats, but I dont much enjoy having to chase all the black ones when they crawl out my bowl! Not bad tho I eat five big bowlfulls because -believe it or else- I can aktually feel my insides come alive an I no this will geve me energy for rest of day. Box plenty rite when he say them stays krunchy even in milk.

But when I finnnish it is when I no I should be take my vitamins which I forget to bring to Detroit that I make water in my eye an think of beautiful Main Street back from old Kampala an the billboard I lerned to rede:

Take

BWANA DAY MUTIPLE VITAMINS

and stay on top of the Whiteman’s burden

I am remember my beautiful life in Uganda and my beautiful families an I start to blubber like a baby being cooked, but then I realize I am much late for work an it makes me happy to think of my delitefill job. I am so happy I sing an clapping my hands. I am sing because I agree for work too much. I run downstairs to trie an catch bus but when I get down the street I remember I have only on my stripey shorts so I have to run back to my partmint still singing and executing shurly miraculous leaps all the way. This is because I am a happy fellow by nature. I charge up to put on overalls, capering like a congoleese cassowary, in the process of whom I accidently tear off untire left leg! Goddumb.

Bus pretty nice, I take to work at Christ-ler, where I get plenny big rivet-gun, shoot rivets all day. Work is hard but I need importin challenge in life to keep branes spry an moist. Big Dada got work hard to support families in Labia.

“Amos need new uniform,” one wife write.

“‘N Abdul need new assault rifle so Unkle Moammar teach him to kill mean Unkle Anwar.” Nobody like dat jue boy Unkle Anwar, him big chikin hawk.

Only one wife write to ask how Im doing:

“You gobble plenny? You take your penisillin? Big yellow sores gone yet?”

Hah! Dat wife nummer one wit me.

I get on bus just in time! I got sit down kwik cause dat dog-pill bus driver allways takes off an make me land on skinny old man with newspaper. I polojize but he just clutch his chest an make funny face for me. So I grab first seat an tell old prune lady and blind guy: “Make room here for Big Dada!” They start give me chikin fat I kik them good an chuck them out the window.

Driver ok he look for me but he keep going. He grees with me dem goddumb prunes beter savvy up for Big Dada. I watch at all the splended things what we pass by my window. Many large things, many small things. I tri to lern new billboard but driver only stops for five minnits. All the people are amazed to see my beautiful face pressed against this window an the run away to tell ther frends. Now I can no at least Detroit appreciate byoody.

I arrive at faktory in a mere 85 minnits, slug clock, an repare to contribute to civilisashun.

First I put on hedset, big ornge hat (very becoming to stately hed of hed of state), pull rivet-gun off above an test a few rivets on my hat. Heck!

Now cars come in. Rapid Arnie snap in hannles for doors an window; Lefty Louise make in hedliner; Chilly make for plastik parts wile annuther guy hooks ribs on ceiling. Bobby melt roof on an the forman makes noises like the time I run over kinnergarden class in my tank.

Finally Big Dada gets my turn. I get to rivet shiny grill moulding on fine Christ-ler automobile. See, first Tex bolts in grill, then wamwamwamwamwam! Byoodyful New Yorker just nedes bumper an is ready for sum lucky family.

I agree for work too much, but meny times I are still confused by all my suttleties an our foreman sometimes makes very angry for me, wherefor he calls me sum very fritening oafs. Natural, being a man of great intestinil dignity, I can ignore these big words he chatters at me. But I am not stoopid yet so this makes me believe I can understan the shorter words he says about me. Shurly this am no way to treat a man of my station, a semiskilledworker accordone to the Union steward hisself!

But Mr. foreman is not satisfryed to merely make obscenities for me; he likes to call me hippapotamiss parts an tickle me with his electrik prod wile I am trying to concentrate! Now, I am a happy guy by nature an besides I are in such a wonderfull mood today that I just laff an laff an call him jiveasshonky like all my brothers in the faktory does. But he will not enjoy my endearmints an when I turn my back he hits me on the hat with a tork rench! Jee lucky for me I no all about boxing (having been big champ in Uganda) so I pick myself up an kick him in the num-nums five big times. Now I am mad so I jump on his ribs an make rivets at his hed to skare him.

Boy everbodi makes for big eksitemint to see what fun I have here, an before first break too! Hoohah I make so many rivets the air am thick wit them like tse-tse flies at little Idi’s circumsizzin ritual. I just about to spot-weld the baas when for no reason he pulls hannle what sets off whoops an sirens all around me an I am see dat udder baases come running in with guns and spray cans an clubs. First I tink they here to help, but instead they make to attack Big Dada, innasint hard worker an even big on overtime!

I worry mabey it all over for Big Dada but now the baases start hitting everyting you can majine an this means all the workers are fighting back. Baases an workers, everbodi get hit with big car parts an rubber bullets what is flying troo the air. I run aroun hurling abjects an in general providing a good eksample for my bois. It is an enormous wonder they don’t make me foreman long ago! The sirens make for great atmoshpere as we laff an scream wit glee, for in the middle of the fight, Arnie an Klaus are playing bumper cars!

Klaus likes the Town an Country station wagin to nok down a fue baases. I am enormously cheerfull but not too much when he drive it into me, Big Dada, who I tink is the one what start this in da first place! Now, I am a happy guy by nature, an I like party as much as the next gink, but if thers one thing I can’t stand its an ingrate. So just like the guy what klimbed to top of Entire Steak Building I tear out transmission from the Town an Country an chunk it at Klaus. Oop bad news I miss Klaus an I teech three baases a big lesson instead. Heck. I hop into new LeBaron an drive out onto waiting delivery truck for what will be a seenik ride home I hope.